Morning Friend,"I hope I die before I get old."Pete Townshend( "My Generation" - 1965)There are permanent holes in my heart today which, like missing teeth, are daily reminders of the consequences of a selfish and recklessly unhealthy lifestyle.And it's all Pete Townshend's fault because I thought for sure - or at least "hoped"- I'd be dead well before I developed any sense of sober, mature conscience, let alone my teeth falling out.Alas, I live.And while I'm not quite yet doddering and drooling; at least not publicly, I have reached an age and a state of mind where the follies of my youth, the price of my insolence, the seeds of my insurrection, and the proverbial "unpaid fiddler" have all taken a seat at the table.I have taken a few "hits" to be sure but all in all I'm pretty lucky to be as healthy as I am, to have salvaged as many friends and loved ones as I've managed, and to have as many teeth left as I do.Despite having a dental plan at work, I used to see a dentist every few years and flossed, even less.When you're not going to live to be "old", who needs teeth right?Despite having been in a few lengthy relationships with some extremely loving and remarkably special and caring young ladies, I chose a self-centered life of hard drinking over a heart-felt bond of shared commitment.When you're going to "die young", what are a few broken hearts along the short way?This is exactly the kind of thinking which inspires the booze or drug addled mind and explains - to me at least - some of the reasons behind a lot of my past self-destructive behavior.When one's focus is completely on the beer in hand, what matter are tomorrows, next weeks or next years?Who the heck cares?If I'm to die "soon" anyway, what need have I for bridges linking me to a past I've forgotten or a future I've forsaken?Well, lets be thankful for a moment, that for today at least I've got something like a "handle" on that stupid thinking, and while I'm at it, offer a word of apology to Mr. Townshend.I love and respect the man's work and I'm not going to pawn off my own foolishness on some of his lyrics which I believe are a celebration of youthful exuberance and not a drunken battle-cry.Heck, I did most of my drinking in my "not to be trusted over 30's" anyway!I think it prudent to note another quote from that Maniacal Windmilling Guitar-smith; one decidedly more apropos to my history...."THERE IS NO FORCE IN NATURE, AS POWERFUL OR AS CONSISTENT AS A HUMAN BEING IN PURSUIT OF HELL."Now that sounds like me! Though I would humbly amend it to reflect my present-day outlook on facing and conquering life's challenges thusly...."THE HUMAN WILL, WITH GOD'S GRACE, IS UNSTOPPABLE."But getting back to lost love and teeth....The price of not dying before I got old is having to face the sometimes harsh reality that I cannot undo the past.I can no more un-break a heart as I can grow new teeth.I can apologize, I can make amends, I can show remorse through living a good life free of the bonds of addiction which poisoned the love others had for me, and I can give freely of myself in repentance for all the years of taking.But I must be very careful to realize that while all this helps make today a little more sweeter, and the memories of yesterday a little more tolerable, for me, I am still the author of those dark chapters; the shatterer of dreams, the breaker of promises, the bringer of tears...a man of fewer teeth.I'd just recently got hold of the Email address of an ex-girlfriend's mother who had been quite supportive of the relationship and with whom I recall sharing something of a friendship.Without coming right out and asking how I could contact Sherry, I thought a few light words of "hello" and how "well" I'm doing might open the door to finding her.The response I got was brief."PLEASE DELETE _______FROM YOUR ADDRESS BOOK"I must say those cold, impersonal words were a far cry from what I'd hoped for.A year or two ago they might even have induced a tear or two from a younger and less resilient Abraham Stainer! ( I will admit to small measure of "mist" though ).I don't allow for tears in my life these days.Lord knows I've caused a riverfull and shed enough to overflow the banks in self-pity.I temper each joyous day with the hope that the Good Lord brings more peace and happiness to those I've hurt than I could ever have managed on my best day, and that they might possibly find a measure of comfort in knowing that their pain now dwells in the emptiness of my stout and vigilent heart, fueling my unstoppable resolve.The truth my friend is that no matter how noble your intentions; how self-effacing, humble, sincere and contrite you are....you just can't go back.It's not unlike when the dentist says, "Sorry, but that tooth has to come out".Love tImMy:/
Laugh as much as you breathe...
Love as long as you live ( plaque-free)
