Vigilance #53

Morning Friend,

It's very important for me to be extremely vigilant in my life today.

No there aren't any roving gangs of alcoholic instigators looking to shanghai me into a bender.

Nor do I worry about leaving a pop or a coffee unattended for fear someone might try and spike it.

And any man or woman alive ( except Sophia Loren?), would be wasting their time and energy trying to "convince" me to drink again.

The focus of my vigilance is the enemy within.....my own mind.

The voice.

The insidious virus of my alcoholism is for most of the time, Quarantined, yet it forever lies in wait.

It waits for my vigilance to wane ever so slightly so that its' whispered seeds of doubt may germinate.

"Look at you! Four years sober! ONE drink to celebrate?"

"C'mon....you quit once, you can just turn it off again?"

"What kind of a REAL man are you?"

"You know of course that your not drinking is a "red flag" for the ladies...you're either boring as pee on a plate or you're a psychopath, court-ordered not to drink!?"

"Hey you quit before ever trying Yagermeister...that looks like a wickedly fun drink, no?"

"How about getting on a good old GLOW, just for old times sake?"

"Your dance card is disgraceful young man...whatever happened to the old "Closing Time Closer"?....lotta tipsy empty hearts out there Champ!"

"After all this time, you should be able to CONTROL your drinking....weekends only?....maybe just a couple during the week?....just days ending in 'Y' ?

"What about your old Mantra....Drink like a MAN, get up for work like a MAN?"

"You've got a couple of free days coming up, c'mom NO ONE WILL KNOW!"

I should clarify my friend, that this viral voice does NOT plague my every waking moment with such "temptations".

Yikes!...I'd soon go mad with that kind of chatter constantly ringing in my head.

The truth of the matter is I very nearly did go mad when the voice had a foothold and dominated my daily stream of consciousness.

"Hey man you can't pass out yet...the vendor closes in 20 minutes and if you miss it, you'll wake up to an empty fridge....you don't want that!?!!"

"Yeah yeah, your life sucks...have another drink and forget about it!"

"TOMORROW you can think about quitting...jeez don't waste a good drunk worrying about that crap today!"

"There's nothing like a cold one on a ____day!"

"Another girlfriend dumped ya? Hey there's plenty of fish in the sea right!?"

"What do DOCTOR'S know? That teetotalling bastard probably tells that to everybody!"

"Like a blaze of glory old chap....doin' it YOUR WAY....that's how you want to go out.....live hard, play hard, die hard!"

I am gratefully blessed with ways and means to have shut that darned voice up and to soberly live and play hard. ( the dying part may not rival Bruce Willis in hardness but that's fine)

But it is a daily reprieve.

And each morning's prayer of gratitute includes a vow of continued strength and vigilence.

For no matter how many years of sobriety pass, I will always be but one drink away from square one.

In fact you don't even go back to where you left off.

You don't suddenly start "fresh"; developing a taste for booze and forging new drinking habits.

You start out a step back from your darkest days, only this time you are mired in the frustrating muck of heart-breaking disappointment.

You suddenly find yourself in the anticipated company of a dear old friend who to your horror, has not aged well at all.

Whatever physiological tolerance you had before is measurably weaker.

The tools for alcoholically functioning and the cues you relied on for drunken self-sustainment, are gone.

Your ever present virus relishes the fertile ground of your impairment and the now mutated and fully blown disease flourishes.

The circus....is back in town.

Only this time it's not Ringling Bros.....or anything close.

The lying, begins anew, but in a new and frustrating forum where no one cares to listen, because no one will care.

One of the greatest miracles to me in my recovery, is that I have managed to maintain the integrity of my quarantined virus, and not had a "slip" or anything remotely like one.

Despite the fact that the Good Lord's mercy knows no bounds and that A.A. especially caters to the recently fallen, I am having far too much "hard" fun to start all over again.

So you see why I have the need to be constantly vigilant.

And perhaps also why I seem sometimes lost in thought during the day.

(Sometimes I'm just day-dreaming about Sophia....)

Un-impaired by Tim Lawrence

This bitter nectar douses my upset
a fifth today, I’m not done yet

I know I’m quite a sight today
still lovely, in a hardened way

I was a Prince of promise rare
now an aging King whose Kingdom’s bare

Yes it’s the route which brought me here
hidden away from loved ones dear

But as redemption sweet was tossed
reconciliation’s lost

A reflexive smile as pain subsides
the drunken glee that anguish hides

I’m firmly planted in roiling sand
of sinking hopes – my helm unmanned

I missed the bus, my ship has sailed
a cab to purgatory’s hailed

And if I don’t apologize
it’s simple, I’ve no original lies

love tImMy:/

Laugh as much as you breathe....

Love as long as you live ( stick on ice)