numbers 1 - 10

***AUG. 18th (#1)

Good morning Friend,

I used to "hurt" on Monday mornings ( through no small wounds of my own infliction mind you), but you may well NOT have overly imbibed yourself - yet are simply feeling "blue" because the weekend is over and your heart and mind are still "at the lake"?

Unfortunately you have set yourself up for this "Monday Misery" by focusing on the weekend as your "be all and end all source of happiness"....your "escape from drudgery" as it were.

You are the victim of what I call a "peaks and valleys" lifestyle - where your moods and attitudes are all over the map based simply on WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK it is! You have LOST CONTROL of your ability to be happy whenever the heck you FEEL like being so! ( and doesn't that seem a bit ridiculous considering your brain is THE most POWERFUL NATURAL SENSORY AND EMOTIONAL DATA PROCESSING SYSTEM IN THE UNIVERSE! )

In other words, you are feeling exactly how you CHOOSE to feel today. You are not "Monday Blue" BECAUSE it's Monday....you probably went to bed last night with a "blues band" already "warming up" in your subconscious ! Your "slide" from the weekend "high" probably began Sunday morning already ?

There are those too whose weekend "high" turned out disappointing for one reason or another but because they RELY so heavily on that PEAK in their weekly lives, the disappointment became DISASTROUS...once again because they ALLOWED it be so. For these poor souls, the VALLEY of the working week is now a RAVINE ! ( NEXT weekend's "PEAK agenda" is going to have to include a Space Shuttle ride at the very least to qualify as a "high" ???)

What I'm getting at here my friend is offering you something I've discovered about "peace of mind".

God has surrounded you with blessings and beauty and a POWERFUL tool with which to process and appreciate them - your MIND.

- FORGET, what day of the week it is. ( it is TODAY, that's all you need to know ).

- Take a DEEP ( sweet) breath as you COUNT EACH THING you have to be THANKFUL for in your life. ( stop after about TEN before you hyperventilate !)

- COMPLIMENT the next person you see ( you'll think of SOMETHING! ), and enjoy the warmth you create.

- USE the immeasurable POWER of your MIND to make EVERY day of your life a LUSH ROLLING PLATEAU of PEACE AND LOVE.

- DON'T allow the CALENDAR to ROB you of precious days of joy because odds are, you'll be BURIED on a WEEKEND ! ( I daresay it wouldn't do to have had a "bad week" previous ? )

Love tImMy :/ 1155

p.s. If the "peaks and valleys" of your life are the result of drugs and alcohol ( as mine once was), then you are TRULY missing out on a good thing. You are DISTORTING and WASTING something so fragile and wonderful and finite, that when it slips at long last though your trembling fingertips your last drunken "peak" will seem like an 'apple box' and the "valley" into which you descend will be a bitter and endless chasm of despair. May God help you.

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***AUG. 25th (#2)

Morning Friend,

Of the thousands of patients I cared for over the years on Palliative Care at St. B, there are certainly a few who made a lasting impression on me.

One gentleman whom I will always remember was a highly "successful" businessman who found himself stricken with a terminal illness in his late 50's.

Unlike MOST of my patients, at that late stage in their "battle", this fellow was remarkably lucid and mentally sharp. ( the ravages of the disease and the side effects of narcotics often make one's last days delusionary and quite drowsy ).

While soaking in the tub one morning, the man said to me, "I finally have everything I've worked my whole life for - 20 hours days mostly - a beautiful house in Tuxedo, the nicest vehicles, a cabin and a cruiser on West Hawk Lake, my own business.....and you know I would trade IT ALL....for ONE MORE YEAR of LIFE ! "

I don't think he was expecting me to respond with some "insightful nugget of wisdom". He was basically looking heavenward and speaking almost "beseechingly". His message was heard by your truly nevertheless - LOUD and CLEAR!

Your health is THE most important thing you possess. Without it, NOTHING...."things, stuff and trinkets"....mean a darn thing.

So LOOK AFTER YOURSELF today and every day. Treat your body like a temple - not an amusement park. Your heart and lungs are the "machine" of your existence and they need proper maintenance. ( and like any machine, the older they get the MORE careful maintenance and care they require ).

If you're not in shape, GET THERE. I always say it's far easier to STAY in SHAPE than to GET in SHAPE!

And PLEASE try and find a "balance" in your life between WORK and PLAY. DON'T work every second of your life with a view towards spending a "leisurely retirement" because you may never make it ! People who live "exemplary" lives in terms of "healthy living" are STILL tragically stricken by disease every day due to nothing they are "guilty" of other than a genetic pre-disposition?

May you find the ECSTATIC JOY in TODAY that I have discovered, knowing that I have the Good Lord as my friend and advisor, and I have my health, I am AS WEALTHY TODAY AS I WILL EVER BE !

The gentleman I mentioned earlier - who I'm proud to have called my friend for a short time - died 10 days later.

Love tImMy

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***SEPT. 2nd (#3)

Morning Friend,

I'll be the first person to say that there's nothing worse than a KNOW IT ALL, preaching to anyone who will listen to "repent now for the end is near", and "if I can do it, ANYONE can do it!", or perhaps the worst....."For your own sake you SHOULD do this! ".

( if anyone has gotten that impression from "Monday Musings" - and if you haven't already "deleted" without reading this far - please allow me to clarify. )

The most well meaning and intelligent of people, make mistakes. Of these, the MOST intelligent tend to learn from their errant ways and not repeat them. And, out this learned group of "survivors" comes a "benevolent few" who choose to SHARE their experiences and the inherent lessons therein.

By "share", I mean "take it or leave it". My life is hardly exemplary based on any great "achievements" other than the fact that I finally realized what a "mistake" my alcoholic lifestyle had been and - with the love of my family and FAITH in the Good Lord - I've discovered a different focus and priorities that work, FOR ME.

"Monday Musings" is not a "boo-hoo" attempt to say "don't drink too much kids cause good old Uncle Ab wasted 25 years of his life 'boozing' !!!! ". I would not dare insult your intelligence my friend....

Do you really need a guy with one eye to tell you not to "run with scissors"?

Do you need the guy on death row to tell you "Jesus Saves" ?

Do you need the guy dying of lung cancer to tell you that smoking is bad for you?

You DON'T need me to tell you that getting drunk every day is not a good thing either ! ( Thankfully, the VAST MAJORITY of people have no problems whatsoever with alcohol and can "take it or leave it" at will. )

What I hope to convey through my limited - if none too colloquial - ability to share, is a renewed sense of discovering how powerful is our God-given ability to be truly happy....to stand each day upon a MOUNTAIN of JOY - of our own making - and look down into the VALLEY OF OPPORTUNITY that each day avails us, and CHART the COURSE of OUR OWN CHOOSING!

If you are not happy today my friend I would suggest that there is a REASON for your unhappiness. If it is the result of a physical impairment beyond medical intervention than my heart and prayers go out to you. You should know that there is still peace and comfort to be found in the bleakest of circumstance, so long as you have HOPE and believe that miracles can and DO happen every day.

If your unhappiness is the result of "circumstances" - an addiction, a bad relationship, a lousy job, an unsatisfying situation - than YOU have the SOLUTION already......CHANGE it....TODAY! ( not tomorrow. ) The "change" itself might not happen in one day, and may in fact take years. But the FACT that you have DECIDED to take CONTROL and forge a happiness of your OWN MAKING will in itself become a SOURCE of supreme and satisfying DELIGHT! Remember that NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE that YOU have DECIDED it NOT TO BE!!!!!!

Speaking from personal experience....getting drunk every day made me unhappy. I STOPPED doing so and now I am happy. ( VERY much so in fact! ) It really turned out to be a simple as that.

I don't "run with scissors" either but then again you probably don't yourself?

Love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***SEPT. 9th (#4)

Morning Friend,

Not being possessed of "natural good looks" , I have perhaps spent more time and energy than the average bloke on grooming. ( We've all known a "ruggedly handsome" fellow in our lives with the thick curly hair that looks BETTER out of the sack first thing in the morning than he does all day....that's NOT me! My hair in the morning is more likely to attract the attention of "nesting crows" than "ovulating women" ! )

The exception being my Senior High School year where I attended an "all boys school", in which case; if your tie was "semi" done up - and there was no identifiable food items on it - you were O.K.

Your suit could look "slept in" so long as it had been a "restful one". And as for your hair, a quick run through with a greasy hand covered in toast crumbs, a garden rake, or a pork chop bone in the car on the way and you were Good to Go!

There were of course a FEW lads who showed up daily at St. Paul's High looking quite "spiff and dandy" , and all I can say about that in retrospect is "Not that there's anything wrong with that?"

From my experience, not having to focus on my appearance, as opposed to what my Homework "looked like", made the school year more of an Academic challenge than an audition for Beverly Hills 90210 ?

There was nobody goofing off in class trying to "impress the girls". ( as I had personally developed into an "art form" in previous Public School classrooms).

There were certainly no after school brawls in defense of some young lady's honor, since there WERE no ladies, honorable or otherwise.

Those who "stood out" , did so through scholastic and athletic MERIT. It was "cool" to be brilliant and "toughness" was measured on the field of play.

It was NOT "cool" to be insolent or disrespectful and the so called knife-wielding "toughs" in today's public schools are "spineless panty-waists" by comparison.

Now before you think I'm going on a "diatribe" on the educational system, STOP ! This is about a lesson I learned regarding SUBSTANCE vs. STYLE....about circumstances in life where a "bad hair" day is inconsequential, so long as you're having a "good character" day !

I have the great privilege and honor of babysitting three wonderful nieces now and then. The innocently unfettered and sublimely objective perceptions of children are the TRUE measure of the depth and sincerity of ones' character.

When they are in MY CARE, they CARE NOT about the crows nesting atop my mangled hair, the smell of the 99 cent a gallon after shave I wear, or the fact my clothes are a nightmarish fashion "olio" !

What they SEE and KNOW in their fragile and trusting hearts is a GOOD and KIND "Uncle Tim" who is there to protect and entertain and guide and look after them.

I learn from them, as I did in Grade 12, and as I discover in daily life...a well groomed SOUL, is the FOUNDATION of TRUE BEAUTY !

And when they're older, they will likely have much to offer in the ways of my "fashion sense"....not that there would be anything wrong with THAT ?

Love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***Sept. 16th (#5)

Morning Friend,

One of my favorite jokes of all time ( and I happen to know one or two...), goes like this....

A man suffering from depression is visiting a shrink. The man's file reveals that he presently works in the Circus cleaning up behind the elephants with a shovel and wheelbarrow.

"I think I might have a clue as to the source of your depression," the psychiatrist says, "but you're in luck because a friend of mine is opening a manufacturing plant in town and he's in need of a hundred laborers. With my recommendation you could have yourself a NEW job next week!"

Incredulously, the man says, "WHAT? and leave SHOW BUSINESS !?"

Where the psychiatrist erred in this instance was by ASSUMPTION - and it was certainly an honest mistake given that because we spend so much of our lifetime at "work" - a third or more - our general "state of mind" is often linked to our occupations...rightly or wrongly, as in the case of our "Elephant Maintenance PERFORMER".

In all likelihood, his depression could be the result of a change in the elephants' diet? Or the Bearded Lady he has had a crush my have run off with a depilatory cream salesman? Or his "serious" nature is holding him back from a lateral move into "Clowning"?

The important thing for the "Elephant Guy" is his PERCEPTION of where he is in life....the bright lights, the adoring crowds, the excitement... of "Show Business".

And when you think about it, this man is actually an INTREGAL COG in the quality and smooth running efficiency of the overall performance.

The Show would be very likely "bogged down" if he were to lapse in his duties - from the hazardous ground, UP, to the noxious air space of the trapeze - the Show, couldn't GO ON without him? ( at least not past the first few "movements" anyway....)

One of the reasons I like this joke so much is because I LIKE the "Elephant Guy".

- He's depressed yes but not afraid to seek help for it.

- He's hard working and not afraid of a little "dirty" work.

- He's a "common sense" kind of guy - knows well enough not to put the "cart before the elephant".

- He can appreciate the "glamour" without the associated risks of say, Lion Taming?

- He sees life's BIG PICTURE with himself playing a ROLE -i.e. FIRST SHOVEL - in a job he does well and takes pride in.

Many of us are not presently in what could be called "DREAM JOBS", ( i.e. something you would do for FREE cause it's so fun and fulfilling?).

Most of us probably consider ourselves "over-qualified" for the work we do.

ALL of us should be nevertheless extremely proud of our sincere and conscientious contributions to whatever BUSINESS we are in whether it be "SHOW", "COMMERCE", "EDUCATION", "HEALTH CARE", "TEMPORARY".... "TRANSITIONAL"....or "CAREER" ?

When you Answer the Bell every workday to support yourself and/or your family, you are worthy of every dignity and the utmost respect and appreciation, Society has to offer. I SALUTE you.

Your Show ALWAYS goes on even when your wheelbarrow tire is low on air and the only shovel left is the short-handled one ! ( Even when some fool has fed "Beef-a-Roni" to the elephants !? )

If, however you find yourself in need of a change, there's likely a psychiatrist somewhere who has a friend opening up a factory ?

Better yet, he might be able to do something about that little VERTIGO problem of yours that's keeping you off the High Wire?....but STILL, in Show Business ?

love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***SEPT 22nd (#6)

Morning Friend,

Today I'm broaching a critical subject - and appropriately so I suppose given that Monday is often "laundry day" for many of you - and that is, CLEAN UNDERWEAR !

There's something to be said for living a life of "preparedness", and starting one's day with a clean pair of "skivvies" is perhaps the greatest hedge against taking an ambulance ride to the hospital today that I know of.

Because according to some lawmaker named MURPHY, your odds of getting into a debilitating accident while wearing dirty underwear are considerably higher than in the safe confines of fresh clean ones.

Because this is a "musing" and not a "research paper" I can't tell you much about the origins of Murphy's Law, but I can say from experience that bad things DO and WILL happen in the course of one's day, but the inevitable consequences can be greatly minimized - and often avoided altogether - through the simple act of PREPARING.

EXPECTING the worst and HOPING for the best is not a "bad" idea, but from my perspective, not the "best" though, unless you are PREPARED for ANY eventuality....good or bad.

For example...

You EXPECT you might get a flat tire and HOPE not to. Being PREPARED with a good working spare can make getting a flat, a minor inconvenience as opposed to a day ruining event?

However, if you KNOW you have no spare you tend to drive with undo focus , swerving to avoid potholes and suspicious chunks of road debris. And while doing so you run a red light and get into an accident requiring an ambulance ride to the hospital where your personal hygienic and laundering profile is about to become public knowledge. ( a potential DOUBLE MURPHY WHAMMY depending on whether you'd plucked your 'fruit of the looms' that morning from the "clean drawer" or from under the bed ?)

Whether on the road to work, or on the "road to eternity", you can always differentiate between people who are PREPARED or not.

In my experiences caring for the terminally ill, you could ALWAYS tell when someone had lived such a Spiritually full and exemplary life, that death was merely an EXPECTED footnote in their earthly journey.

They did not rage at "potholes of doubt" or "debris of regret" along the road to God's reward. Their spare tire - like their peace of mind - was in perfect repair.....their "spiritual clean underwear drawer" was OVERFLOWING !

What I'd like to share about that experience is that it's one thing to expect to die and hope not to ....and another thing altogether to be PREPARED with a CLEAN CONSCIENCE.

Living a life unafraid of death is expecting, hoping and preparing for, and embracing... the BEST !

With guys like Murphy on the road, one never knows when an ambulance ride might be your last, and the condition of your underwear is the least of your worries.

Love, tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***SEPT 29th (#7)

Good Morning Friend,

"We feel sorry for people that don't drink, because when they get up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel for the rest of the day."

FRANK SINATRA

Many mystical and romantic tales have been spun around the "chaotically wondrous" and "adventurously daring" life of the "hard drinking/hard living rogue".

Today I'd like to share from personal experience that such stories are largely FICTITIOUS and from a literary standpoint, often SHORT.

We've all heard about or known someone with an exceptionally high tolerance for alcohol....an uncle or grandfather that "drank a quart a day, well into his 80's". An awesome "feat" to be sure but one with attendant dilemmas neither "mystical" or "romantic" by any means.

In the latter years of my own "roguish" lifestyle, ( my "quart a day" was more like 18 Blues), my exceptional THIRST was NOT matched by a similar tolerance.

To be sure, the physiological toll was devastatingly exponential, which is another way of saying I no longer drank to "feel good" but rather to "not feel lousy".

Old Blue Eyes was right on the money with his quote about one's state of mind in the morning in relation to lifestyle.

As a non-drinker I now wake up feeling much like I'm going to throughout the coming day....plain old, consistently reliable, stubborn and unwaveringly, FANTASTIC .

In those "golden swashbuckling days on the EDGE" , mornings were often an emotional roller-coaster ride: a hellish emergence from deathly comatose void, into throbbing bewilderment, to excruciating angst, to bitter resignation , to nauseous self-loathing, to angry regret, to vengeful righteousness, to dry heaves - two tylenlol - and a beer, and finally to dulled indifference followed closely by another beer and rekindled justification. ( with "My Way" blaring on the stereo of course ).

That is what I would have called a relatively "good" morning, given it was free of "complications" such as....

- I was at home, or at least recognized WHERE I was

- I was alone, or at least was not terror-stricken by WHO I was with

- I was uninjured, or at least not CRITICALLY so

- I had beer at hand, or at least HALF A WARM ONE

- I had not been incontinent, or at least woke up in "beginning to mid-stream"

Suffice it to say that I don't long for those "romantic" days of lonely despair, hopeless misery, ( and endless laundry ).

In rebuttal to Mr. Sinatra I have to say, " I feel sorry for the suffering alcoholic, because when they get up in the morning, that's as BAD as they're going to feel for the rest of the day". ( till tomorrow morning anyway ?)

I still like to start my day with "My Way" blaring on the stereo though.

We might differ in where our sympathies lie, but I appreciate how old Blue Eyes always came in on the UP-beat.

*( while this forum was never intended as an A.A. commercial, I would be remiss in not mentioning that A.A. , my family, and the Good Lord SAVED my LIFE! NO-ONE can change another person but, that person can find what they need for themselves, at an A.A. meeting....end of story.)

Love tImMy :/ *(1197)

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***OCT. 6th (#8)

Morning Friend,

This morning I'd like to regale you with a "fishing story"....not to be confused with a "FISH story" - of which we've all had our LIMIT from "spawning" politicians lately ?

Thanks to an unseasonably warm October weekend - Aboriginal Summer? ( chalk THAT one up to innate "political correctness"), I was able to spend a few enjoyable hours fishing yesterday.

Living downtown as I do avails me of several nice "spots" along the Assiniboine River within walking distance of my door.

For fishermen, nature lovers, and poetic musers alike, the riverbanks in this city are wondrous places of refuge, reflection and introspection, not to mention a "gold mine" for scavengers who pick up daily after the nightly revelers.

With a little imagination, one is easily overtaken by the picturesque beauty of the foliage overhanging the lazily snaking - if somewhat less than "majestic"- river, and you could just as easily be at some "unspoiled remote wilderness getaway" hundreds of miles away, ( excepting for the drone of traffic over nearby bridges accented by the occasional wail of sirens ).

There is other evidence of "spoilage" but nothing unexpected in relation to today's urban waterway; an archeological wind-blown windfall of proof that THROWAWAY MAN, lived here, in the early 21st century.

I always take away a grocery bag of trash - that I've picked up with rubber gloves! - in an attempt to leave it at least "a little bit cleaner" than when I got there. ( As a professional courtesy I leave "returnables" for the scavengers who've obviously "slept in" that day but who WILL eventually purge the riverbank of its' wealth of dimes disguised as beer cans and bottles.)

The odiferous river water itself is "somewhat spoiled" - which I can similarly say about some food items upon opening my refrigerator ?

The water's oily surface is often broken by unrecognizable debris bobbing to the surface for a last look before succumbing to a waterlogged fate. Such debris is out of my "ecological" reach unless it fouls my line, in which case I can attempt to reel it in and "bag" it, ( or bid it a hasty "adieu" if it happens to be carrion in a particularly unsavory condition ).

The illusion of "remoteness" is also tenuous given the sporadic flow of cyclists and pedestrians along the nearby path, and passing boats, but seldom is contact initiated by anyone other than the usual "How's the fishing?" I often wonder if this is out of some unspoken "reverence" for a MAN FISHING, or whether out of some unspoken "common sense" not to bother a MAN ALONE ON THE RIVERBANK WITH A FILLETING KNIFE IN HIS HAND ?

You are likely concluding that I must catch lots of fish in order to assail ones senses so intensely in the course of ANGLING?

I can tell you THIS my friend: the riverbank is firm and "stony" so you're never "mucking about", the overhanging branches are like the Good Lord is holding a giant umbrella over your head if it rains, the breeze blows sweet as an Angel's sigh, the sun beams down like a feathery golden bath of butterfly wings, the majesty and serenity of this slice of God's Earthly Garden fills you with euphoric humility, and there is the safe contentment and peace of mind that brings you back to the day your mother first held you!

As to the number of caught fish ? Well, this was a story about "fish-ING". I can tell you FISH Stories another day, ( ALL day ! ).

(....I'm reminded of this one, BIIIGGG old......)

Love tImMy :/ HAVE A TERRIFIC WEEK!

***Oct.13th (#9)

Morning Friend,

I have to confess to being mildly perplexed, if not completely ignorant of the goings on in the Stock Market.

A "pork belly's future in a bear market" sounds to me frankly like an episode of "Wild Kingdom" ?

And the gyrational mayhem on the floor of the Stock Exchange has about as much personal relevance as that annual "nutbar airing" they hold in Pamplona. ( involving "bulls" as well I understand ? )

When the tenets of one's upbringing include "you don't get nuthin' for nothin' ", it's hard not to feel a kind of dark satisfaction when people who've been making a great deal of money, for actually DOING "nuthin" , are finally experiencing some form of comeuppance?

I hesitate to make "light" of what is being termed a "global financial crisis". Apparently this is "serious" stuff in which billionaires are losing millions, which I wouldn't give a whit about except for the fact that those losses are trickling down to some folks whose homes and life savings are in jeopardy, if not already lost.

"Financial Recession" and "Investments", I know nothing about save for the fact I "invested" all my money in BEER during the 80's and 90's and my finances have been in "recess" as a result ?

If there IS some serious "belt tightening" ahead, than I have my dearly departed and beloved Grandmother, Lydia Block - who "survived" the Great Depression - to thank for some SURVIVAL STRATEGIES that I surely don't mind sharing !

- Learn how to sew and knit, ( or marry someone who does ). My "Granny" could run off a pair of mitts or a scarf while watching her soap opera. The "market" for warm clothing NEVER fluctuates!

- Learn to cook and bake, ( or the "marrying thing" again). Granny always had a pot of "something" going on her stove; a soup bone, onions, potatoes, and that metal "thingy" with leaves and spices in it? Whether you be a Prince or a Pauper, there is NO MEAL like a bowl of lovingly made soup and HOMEMADE bread !

- Be charitable and versatile, ( you're on your own here ). When your pockets are empty, you can still be WEALTHY of spirit, dignity and reputation by SHARING....your skills, your knowledge, your time and energy, your talents, your SELF. "Payment", for every "care package" of food and clothing my Granny gave away, came in the form of grateful smiles, returned favors, "work in lieu of", and perhaps most importantly to her, the heartfelt fulfillment of doing "the Good Lord's work".

- Which leads me to the last strategy I'll convey to you today from that fine and delightfully jolly "Perogy Paragon", and that is to HAVE FAITH and keep it strong. The markets may fluctuate and your world may seem like a narrowing Spanish cobblestone alley with snorting bulls nipping at your heels, but NO-ONE can foreclose on your BLUE CHIP hopes and beliefs. I never understood the words ( in German), spoken on the Mennonite religious radio show Granny used to listen at night in her bed. The news must have been good because she sure SNORED contentedly afterward.

As much as I miss her, in a way I'm kind of glad she's not having to witness another "Depression" - if that's where we're heading? I know what she'd say about the Stock Market in general though, and it would be something like, "...if you want to INVEST in something worthwhile, invest in YOURSELF !" .

Happy Thanksgiving and the Good Lord's Blessings to you and yours! ( and by the way, did you know your dinner's "leftovers" this evening are actually all the makings of dandy TURKEY SOUP? )

love tImMy :/

***Oct.20th (#10)

Morning Friend,

You know, even as a drinker I was never quick to anger; a "Happy Drunk" you might say....one of those "easy going", laughing, even-tempered fellows....the kind of guy about whom people say "You DON'T WANT TO GET MAD ! "

Anger, has become a tremendous motivator in my life.

I'm not talking about some seething rage, deep-seeded malevolence, or weighty chip on my shoulder. ( I had my fair share of THAT kind of anger for breakfast every day when I was drinking).

And I'm not talking about the frustrated anger evoked by the sheer stupidity, outrageous injustices, and just plain WRONGNESS in today's world. ( THAT much anger is enough to drive you "MAD" - and unless you accept the fact you cannot change most of it, you just end up angrier !)

I am talking about the "self-directed" anger that helped pull my life off a drunken, ruinous path 40 months ago ( today!), and onto a better road ( also today!).

One auspicious morning, approximately 3 and 1/2 years ago - "cried out", "vomited out", "lucked out" and "down and out" - I got very Mad indeed.

Not at the World, or my boss, or my ex-girlfriend, or the guy who owed me ten bucks. I directed my anger where it belonged....at the pitiful wretch staring at me from the mirror.

THAT conniving ___hole had FINALLY pissed me right and properly, OFF! The time for compromises and justifications and halfway measures and second chances had run out. I was darned tired and DAMNED angry !

That anger fuels the RESOLVE which keeps me on the good road, today, because I'll be $%&#'d if I'm going back to that *!&#$ path again!!!!

I would DIE happy today ( with a 40 month "preview of Heaven" under my belt), than go back to that ( "endless re-run" of...) hell.

I know I can't undo the past other than make amends to those I've hurt, but I am nevertheless angered at the person I was - hurtful, selfish, deceitful, lazy, slovenly, greedy, licentious.....I think you get the picture?

And the anger is augmented with deep shame and anguish for the pain I caused so, so many good and trusting and loving people, who's only fault was that they cared for the person beneath the drunk, and hoped the "party" was just "temporary"?

Thank God.....the party's over....replaced by a "Celebration of Resolve" and a "Quest for Atonement and Forgiveness".

Let me assure you Good Friend, I am not lugging around this remorseful anger with me like some "yoke of attrition", but I am ever mindful that my new-found Joy MUST be tempered with humility, gratitude and VIGILENCE. ( When I think of "what might have been", I literally shudder.)

I have forgiven myself. And those to whom I haven't yet managed a personal apology, can see for themselves - or may well have heard - that I'm much like the old "easy going, laughing, even-tempered" fellow.....WITHOUT booze.

I HAVE NOT turned magically into some faultless Wonder Boy because I'm sober, and I KNOW I'm one drink away from a starring role in "Devil's Spawn II", but I've at least kicked that "Man in the Mirror"s ass so he's not likely to come around - today at least.

That...would make me REALLY angry. ( and you DON'T, want to do that).

Love tImMy :/