TOO Happy - 29

Morning Friend,

I don't think I'll rile the Climatological Gods this morning and ramble on about the beauteous arrival of Spring. I made just such a mistake two weeks ago and we almost simultaneously received a healthy BLAST of Winter which has only recently ( yesterday) subsided!

Nature moves at her own pace, irrespective of the poetic whims and narrative wishes of mortal men.

But as slow and often petulant as Mother Nature can be, when that Divine Diva finally DOES change costumes, the SHOW can take on a whole new energy, especially if the old costume has been worn so long as to become a pain.

Such reminds me of the words of 17th century American poet Anne Bradstreet, who wrote,

"If we had no Winter, the Spring would not be so pleasant: If we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

These words I've posted on the door to my "office" at work, where you'll find several such INSPIRATIONAL nuggets.

( it's not an "office" really, but a storage closet for mops, pails and other tools of my presently "paying" engagement !)

In recent years I find myself being "accused" of being "extraordinarily, exceedingly, unnaturally, irrepressibly, and even NAUSEATINGLY...happy".

The truth of the matter is that I AM decidedly delighted.

The degree to which this is perceived is purely subjective, although I've never quite been clear on the concept of "TOO" and "HAPPY" in the same sentence?

The source of my perpetual happiness is paralleled in Anne Bradstreet's comparison of Winter and Spring to Adversity and Prosperity.

Having experienced and endured as bitter and "adversarial" a Winter as one could imagine, I now enjoy a life and lifestyle that is, ( and can be as long as I CHOOSE), perpetually Spring-like and pleasantly prosperous.

This is not uncommon amongst people who've "changed costumes" in life; who enjoy and appreciate the new one so much more because it fits better...it doesn't dig in or bind....it doesn't hurt like the old one.

(This might be one of the reasons CHER seems so exponentially enthusiastic during her performances?)

Which is why you'll often hear FORTUNATE ex-drinkers like myself describing themselves as "GRATEFUL" recovering alcoholics.

My "Winter" was particularly long and cold enough as to FILL me with gratitude at its' passing.

I respectfully quote a fine old gentleman I know, who's basked in a season of his own making for 50-plus years who soberly says, "I don't know if there's such a thing as a Heaven or not, but I know there's a Hell, because I lived in it here on earth..."

My many wounds have scarred over and they remain a vivid daily reminder of the icy Wintry lashes which created them.

I am carved like a stream bed emerging from a mountain of melting snow; the water sings as it rushes freely over me.

Today, it is Spring and I am ever so grateful to God and yes, pretty darned happy too!

Today I won't be TOO FULL as to forget how empty I was.

Today I won't be TOO STRONG as to forget how weak I was.

Today I won't be TOO generous, or kind, or wise, or thoughtful, or energetic, or magnanimous because Winter's bitter taste is still a fresh and fetid enough of a memory so I won't literally LEAP IN THE AIR AND SHOUT JOYFULLY TOO HIGH OR TOO LOUDLY!

Just enough to cause a little nausea perhaps?

Anyone for a chorus of "I Got You Babe"?

Love tImMy:/

Laugh as much as you breathe

Love as long as you live ( TOO something)

Skin Deep - 28

Morning Friend,

Imagine if you will, being a single, half decently looking and "fitter-than-average" young man of about 30.

It's Friday evening; that magical "hormone-iously" charged time on the cusp of another weekend of frantic fun and frolic.

The phone rings.

It turns out a "girlfriend of another girlfriend" told HER girffriend about your "charming manner" and "witty repartee".

You are "on the radar" as it were; a Wanted Poster on the post office wall of a young lady's heart.

You're invited to join some lovely gals at an all night "swimsuit optional" hot tub party.

It's a cold winter night and the party is across town but the hostess herself has offered to come and PICK YOU ( and whatever booze supply you'll need) UP!

You have long ago lost your "shyness" in the company of the fairer sex, and in fact THRIVE in such situations.

You come by your "charming manner" honestly because it is not an "act"....you ARE, as a result of a good education and a VERY good Christian upbringing; a decent, funny, intelligent, sensitive and in fact a SUPERBLY engaging young fellow! ( let's not forget the aforementioned "half decent" looks....you're NOT Brad Pitt...but you're a long way from Karl Malden! ).

Even in the most compromised of situations such as a noisy bar or a fleeting "elevator moment", you communicate well with the ladies.

The opportunity for a several languishing hours of pseudo-decadence in "mixed company" in the intimate confines of a hot tub now presents itself to you like a paving stone waiting to be snatched from the hand of a sleeping Kung Fu Master.

Being the hopeless romantic that you are, you have visions beyond some "carnal adventure" and muse wistfully about 20 years from now, telling the story about "how I met THE ONE, at of all places...in a darn hot tub!".

Being the "patient gentleman" that you are, you're not even thinking specifically in terms of "getting lucky" this VERY evening but rather sowing the seeds of friendship which in your experience are far more valuable than a "one night stand" and its' inherent ramifications.

Being the chronically gregarious man that you are, ( you'd die of LONELINESS, L O N G before starvation on a deserted island! ) the word PARTY itself fills your ears like a school bell ringing at the end of the last class of the year....like the Governor's voice on the phone granting a pardon to a condemned man......like a whirring can opener to a hungry cat....like the offer of the job of Brewery Beer Taster to an alcoholic....like your Doctor's voice telling you "you're cured, in fact I think you're going to live FOREVER!!!".

Now my friend ( of vivid imagination that you are), imagine you are the same "VIBRANT young man", but about three quarters of your skin surface is covered with bleeding, scaly-red and silvery blotches of what is known as "the heartbreak", of psoriasis.

You are in pain almost all of the time because every single movement, including breathing and restless sleeping, opens up a just-healed lesion.

The only people who've seen you naked in the last ten years are your dermatologist, and YOU, when you're in the mood for some "horror".

You wear long sleeves on scorching hot summer days... AT THE BEACH!

You are, by the very basic of societal definitions, and most certainly in your mind's eye...a hideous freak.

You are in need of good lie now because anyone with even the remotest social inclinations wouldn't turn down a chauffeured naked hot tub party unless they were too shy, too gay, too deformed, or "too busy on the threshold of discovering a cure for cancer'.

You are certainly not shy and you're not "gay" in ANY sense of the word but your deformity, while not contagious, would be about as welcome in a hot tub as a floating Oh Henry bar, so you go with being "waist-deep in research" and politely bow out of the event.

Then, you get good and drunk because it dulls the pain... the "physical" part anyway.

You have undergone every "treatment" known to modern science and are told there is no "cure".

You have a few brief but GLORIOUS relapses, especially in summer months when it goes away completely for a few weeks but for the most part of your 20's and 30's you live "in a lonely (s)hell".

Then in the summer of 2005, as your "pigmentation" has taken a back seat to a whole HOST of personal and even life-threatening alcohol-related problems, you decide to "turn your will and your life over to the care of God..." and you quit drinking for good.

In time, everything in your life starts sorting itself out, but what happens IMMEDIATELY is something about as remarkably close to a real live MIRACLE that you ever dared pray for.....

...your psoriasis, takes a hike....."ciao"....."seeya"...."wouldn't wanna beeya"....done....gone.

And as your skin is DRENCHED in the clear light of day you find your outstretched arms aren't long enough nor strong enough to fully give the Good Lord's world a big enough hug!

And the "half-decently-looking" face in the mirror every morning has a sunny smile that says, "Thank You!"

People ask you, "How do you manage to stay sober?"

You smile and say, "Hot tubs...and a little imagination".

love tImMy:/

Laugh as much as you breathe

Love as long as you live ( half-naked)

'Tis Spring - 27

Morning Friend,

Please note and relish, these exquisitely simple, and simply beautiful words which preface this morning's MUSINGS....

"Tis Spring....when a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of romance."

Loosely paraphrased, these words of the immortal Victorian age poet Lord Alfred Tennyson have always been my "mantra" when the annual "restlessness", "amorousness", "excitability", "frenetecism", and other symptoms associated with Spring Fever inevitably overtake me.

Not that romance is "out of season" at any other time of year, but when Spring finally arrives, especially after a particularly long and brutal Winter, there's just something extraordinarily sensual, transformational and inspirational in the very atmosphere itself...

...the soft fragrant earth emerging coyly like a sleepy siren from beneath her tattered quilt of snow...

...the sun's burgeoning light bears life-giving warmth and soul-stirring length to the days ever exploding into color...

...sinuses long congestedly compromised cast headlong into a tangy exotic breeze of savory scents long remembered...

...heavy blood thickened by the snails pace of a winter heartbeat swiftly melts into torrents of a pheromone-frothed broth...

...the landscape basks in flesh and feminine form emerging from the timeless dance of a thousand knitted veils ( and toques)...

...the shimmering sun smites into smithereens the long shadow of winter's night...

...perennial plans, dormant dreams and slumbering ambition awaken irritably like dusty, hungry bears...

...a bloom-covered hillside stretches skyward like a playground slide upon which children and angels frolic alike...

...into the bare chambers of the silent house that is my heart comes a symphony, into the deadened lobes of the empty house that is my mind comes truth, into the lonely realms of the condemned house that is my spirit comes God, and with them is the giddying sweetness and light of Love in Springtime...

What I lack in Lord Byron's simplistic style, ( besides his inimitable TALENT?), I DO tend to over-compensate with a certain adjectival abundance bordering perhaps on loquacious aplomb ?

I might have done well with....

"Tis Spring, and I am FREE ! ( again). "

love tImMy :/ (1365)

Laugh as much as you breathe

Love as long as you live ( fancifully)

"Seasons" for Ginette - 26

Morning Friend,

A dear friend of mine went to Heaven last week.

To her I happily and respectfully wish "bon voyage et merci mon ami"! ( She was "one of THOSE" people who, despite the enormity of their OWN difficulties, still made praying for OTHERS, myself included, a priority.)

To Ginette's friends and family, I offer this humble poem in honor of the tremendous courage she displayed, and inspired in others, throughout the "Autumn" of her life.

And in answer to the question posed many times by those who witness the "suffering" of loved ones in their last days; "Why do bad things happen to good people?"....I say I am not a Priest, a philosopher or a religious scholar, but I am "Schooled in Miracles" ( since every day of my "new" life IS one), so I can tell you that IT IS NOT OUR PLACE TO DEFINE "SUFFERING" AS EXPERIENCED BY SOMEONE OF FAITH AS PROFOUND AS GINETTE'S.

When someone's whole life is so intrinsically bound to the love and service of God, and their FAITH so deeply rooted in the power of the Holy Spirit and the promise of eternal life with Jesus Christ, then the "CHALLENGE" afforded by several months or even years of physical pain and "suffering" is exactly that....a "challenge", a "task", a "pitfall", a "setback", a "delay", a "transitional period between earth and HEAVEN"!

In my past work with the terminally ill, I have seen how a Shield of Spirituality is the most powerful analgesic known to man.

The pain of disease is no match for the Valor of the Faithful, and the darkness of despair has no place near the glorious Light of the Hopeful.

Fear, is not an option for the Fearless.

Today my friend I pray for all of us; to dedicate the Good Lord's wisdom and strength in us to the comfort of OTHERS in our need, and to face ANY "challenge" which comes our way as courageously as Ginette faced her last.

( "Save a spot for me at the Juice Bar 'ma soeur'....I'll still have your 'Jesus' around my neck!")

love tImMy:/

Seasons by Tim Lawrence

Were I able to halt the passing of a dear life
I would surely, swiftly intervene
Yet I am helpless and frail
a feeble bystander
Respectfully sad and serene

Could I but turn back life’s tenacious clock
I would make it my devoted role
But I am mute and weak
a grieving furious witness
to the passing of a soul

If I could wish…it would be for eternal Summer
I’d cherish the warmth so pleasing
Fond memories most treasured
Glowing nostalgia reminds
of that most perfect season

This is the season of love and growth
Fences strong ‘neath the long summer sun
Children at play
Laughter rings strong
The essence of life in everyone

Might I be brave, might I be forgiving
and forgiven when Autumn comes my way
Preparing for God’s feast
midst loved ones and family
Night surrenders to an endless joyful day

This is the season of our frailty
When flesh and spirit deem to part
Burdens uplifting
Rewards unfolding
Not an end but a glorious start

Had I the means to melt away the Winter
 It would truly not be done for myself
grief must be sustained
till endured and conquered
Then put away upon memory’s shelf

This is the season of shared restful hope
To be consoled and to provide consolation
Carrying the torch
fulfilling dreams
Binding the ties of each generation

If I could describe the rapture of Spring
Like melting snow are pain and strife
I am reborn
The undying spirit of love
Provides a new and perfect life

This is the season of resurrection and glory
Spring rains upon seeds newly planted
Mystery’s revealed
Fears reconciled
God’s promise of ecstasy granted

If I were to bestow a single message from my heart
to the grieving or those soon to grieve
Notice the Seasons
Their meaning
Is a beautiful reason to believe

These are the seasons of God’s blessed plan
and from them we find a pathway
Winter passes
Spring will emerge
As surely as night beckons day

Laugh as much as you breathe

and love as long as you live ( avec Dieu)

Travel Tips - 25

Morning Friend,

Having just returned from a trip abroad which required a goodly amount of air travel, I am inclined to share some "travel tips" which come to mind as an "interesting", and for you perhaps, "educational" topic of discussion today?

*If you've seen my pictures from the trip then you will have already "heard", a HALF MILLION words about my Barbados Adventure...at "a thousand words a picture" ! ( I believe the only one with someone "frowning" in it is the one of me about to leave for the airport. It's not so much of a "frown" as it is a "sorrowful cringe" ? )

Nevertheless I DID pick up some excellent "tips" for making the FLYING part of the journey a little "smoother" than it might otherwise have to be.

If you are afflicted with some pathological FEAR OF FLYING itself then I'll say right off these are LOGISTICAL suggestions, not THERPEUTIC exercises. Although by sparing you some of the anxiety attendant with the "little things" your flight involves, your fearful mind might be freed up to focus more exclusively on the "flaming fireball of your imminent demise" ?

So in that heartfelt spirit of benevolence, I present a few "TIM-TIPS for TERRIFIC TRAVEL"....or "MORE HOT AIR" from Ab.

- A journey of any type, requires energy, and a clear mind. As excited and anxious as you might be the night before leaving, you MUST sleep beforehand. Whether it takes an extra shot of brandy, a "sleep-eze" or a 10 mile run to get you there, it's important to start FRESH. Don't leave "details" like cleaning out the fridge or finding a cat-sitter for the last moments when you should be resting. ( You just might come home to find your fridge, and your apartment...smelling like "dead animal" ).

- My problem has always been "last minute packing"....I don't travel ENOUGH that I can simply throw my WORLD into a suitcase and not wonder if I've forgotten SOME essential to my well being that can't be purchased anywhere else on the planet. LISTS RULE in this regard, not only for remembering your essentials, but EXCLUDING unnecessary things you might hastily throw in during the last minute's mayhem, like a quart of milk....or the cat?

* even MASTER LISTMAKERS like myself have found something or two amiss in the past; like bringing 6 pairs of socks to the Caribbean when ONE is too many! However, I managed to get it just about perfect this time, so to be SURE, I made a list of every item as I UNPACKED it so next time I'll simply have to "re-assemble". Obviously this list is "tropic-specific" and would be useless in packing for a "NORTHERN WILDERNESS FLY-IN"...other than perhaps a little "Muskie Snorkeling"?

- Now that your WORLD is encased in "Samsonite", CUSTOMIZE it! It will soon enter a world of like-sized, like-colored CLONES that will eventually and hopefully, come hurtling from a shoot of darkness ( where they'll have been man-handled like competitively tossed dwarves), onto the "CAROUSEL OF CONFUSION" ! YOUR bag might come out with a host of others IDENTICAL.... in model, scuff marks and even the brand of packing tape holding it together!....but the colorful ribbons strips of cloth, or knitted "fobs" tied to the handle that you cleverly "customized" YOUR bag with, will make snagging it and being on your way like an "apple pick".

- I'm sure I don't have to tell YOU my friend about language etiquette in airports and words that are unspoken in them today, except by the truly stupid and/or drunk. ( or someone named "Joe Bomb of 911 Terrorist Lane"?). One of these words with a less "sinister" connotation, but which is no less extinct in airlines' lexicon is "FREE" , which is why I recommend packing a lunch and some snacks for the flight. Even if you're not planning to be hungry or you're too nervous as rule to eat on board, bring something FAVORITE of yours that you can't resist, be it beef jerky, cashews, or haggis-on-a-bun? ( a tin of sardines, garlic tarts, or anchovy pizza might not be the best ideas for reasons obvious). The idea is to keep your strength up, as mentioned, without alienating several hundred people at once.

- Further to the above, and if I might broach this as delicately as I can....depending on your own particular "digestive proclivities", it's probably best not to have a large meal within a time frame wherein you would find yourself "IN NEED" of the ablutionary facilities whilst aboard today's modern aircraft. Now perhaps it's just "me", at nearly 6 and half feet of mostly arms and legs that finds those places ergonomically prohibitive, but I'm here to tell you I'd have to have a real NEED to be able to wedge myself down on that little perch that had heretofore been RAINED upon by myself and other men of disturbed and errant "aim". Only the most turbulent of bowels are best served in the oft-hectic confines of a plane's washroom. ( this "Urbanly Mythic", "Mile High Club" is surely membered by contortionist MIDGETS !)

- Depending on your level of gregariousness, your flight can be either a terrific social opportunity, an enochlophobic nightmare, or simply a chance for some introspective enjoyment. It never hurts to introduce yourself to the folks who'll be sitting next to you for the next several hours, if for no other reason than to be able to "personalize" your interactions, as in "....sure I can let you up AGAIN "Mary"...and you're right, you DO have an overactive bladder!".....or "Sorry about that "Fred", my wife hates me drooling in my sleep too!"....or "No Jack you're not crowding me, for a guy 350 you're remarkably svelte!" I am, a good deal like my Dad ( who never met a "stranger" in his whole life), and as such I enjoy flying and the opportunity to meet new people. Aside from the staid businessmen and other "frequent flyers", most people you meet are on a JOURNEY or a MISSION of sorts and none too shy about sharing some interesting and enlightening tales. I've met some people who were measurably nervous about flying and idly chatting with someone who's obviously relaxed about the whole thing was appreciated. ( If the "idle chatter" starts turning into a "life's story", you can ever so GRACIOUSLY say, "You know "Phyllis", I've got a book report due on this Stephen King novel and I've still got about ohhh....'bout 500 pages to read yet ".

Air travel, especially GOING there, is always a small "highlight" to my Vacation. Like the "drive to the Lake" in summer, it's those exciting moments when you're "off work".... "on your way"...."outta Dodge"....."Party Time"!

Hopefully I've been able to make some aspects of YOUR next flight as smooth as the highway out of town, which incidentally, if you're one of those who is fearful of flying, is FAR more hazardous than the airways.

Your chances of being in a plane crash are 1 in 500,000 ( you're more likely to be MURDERED)....and statistically, you could be in about FIVE plane crashes before you WOULDN'T survive.

With odds like that and flights as cheap as they are, and with the Good Lord's ENTIRE and exquisitely gorgeous WORLD to experience, TRAVEL is a magnificent way to enhance your soul, breach your horizons, magnify your senses, captivate your imagination, enrich your mind, and "fill out your dance card"...with LIFE!

And when all is said and done I pray you're lucky enough as I, to have MILKED every joyous moment I could out of my destination so that when it was time to go I was able to agree with Judy Garland and say....

"There's no place like home!" ( in the summertime anyway...)

love tImMy:/

Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live ( above steerage)

The Choice -24

The Choice by Tim Lawrence

You know my Friend there’s prudence in an optimistic view
for dark imagined peril, has no place in life renewed

A soul aligned with fear has made a devastating pact
The role of anguished victim is an all consuming act

A heavy heart diminishes the beauty of the morn
A hopeless mind obscured by doubt is rakish weak and torn

Forgiveness is a sword that cleaves the darkness into day
And Faith a shield of Providence which holds despair at bay

The countenance of joy, tarries not in guilt and blame
The conscientiously happy suffers not the weight of shame

The pitfalls and the pratfalls are but pylons on our road
The weights and woes we face will make us stronger by the load

We are Warriors of our destiny and Guardians of our fate
To heal and bind anew is not an insubstantial trait

To draw upon the limitlessness of love within our hearts
Is to truly share the gift that each new blessed day imparts

For each sunrise holds a promise, each horizon’s new light, gold
The choice of dreams’ fulfillment... of ecstasy untold

Life’s greatest gift is Life itself, and the Power it entails
Our outlook is our choosing, and our option to prevail

This world is ever changing, its’ pace a mad turnstile
Yet time and space are no match for a shared and tender smile

So seize the dawning sunlight with every fiber of your soul
Make today your “day of days”, and a loving heart your goal

Make each day your marionette, and give to them your voice
Take a pass on pessimism and let rapture be your choice

When the curtain falls on your journey, be fulfilled with lessons learned
Choose a life of Peace and Glory; no regret, no stone unturned

If there’s a place for me in Heaven, I shall humbly share my worth
In the meantime I’ll be busy, having a Heavenly day on earth !


*With thanks to God, for TODAY, and the POWER to make it one of my choosing!
Love tImMy:/

Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live ( enthusiastically)

Duty Calls - 23

Morning Friend,

It is perhaps best that you cannot see the grim set of my steely and "opaline-eyed" ( ala Dirk Pitt) features in front of the computer monitor this morning.

The source of my consternation is a telegram which arrived yesterday from the International Botanical Society of which I am a certified card and T-shirt holder, and "consultant at large".

I've been interested in plants and plant life since I was a fair-haired lad eating dirty carrots out of the garden of my childhood home.

That interest - like tape worms and other associated parasites, found FERTILE GROUND in young Abraham Stainer; a Prairie whelp of unbridled ecological enthusiasm, and rich agricultural ancestry.

A diligently earned Cub Scout merit badge in "houseplant care" didn't exactly shake the Geoponic world at large, but to me it was the first tendril in what has now become a fully rooted and life-long commitment to our World and its' plant life.

( If I REALLY wanted to push the envelope of believability I could say the decades I spent in a drunken "potted plant-like" stupor were for "research sake", but you could easily replicate and condense that experiment by feeding your dieffenbachia beer for a few weeks and see how IT "thrives"? )

That history aside, my membership in the I.B.S. means more than just the key chain, nifty badge and t-shirt I received in the mail.

It means more than the countless hours spent in agricultural chat-rooms comparing notes on nitrogen levels, plant husbandry and soil maintenance.

It means more than earnestly researching and monitoring the growth of my tomato plants for countless hours under the hot summer sun with little more than a paperback novel and a spray bottle for mental and dermatological respite.

It means being ON CALL for any botanical emergency requiring my inimitable wealth of skill and knowledge ; my horticultural "heap", if you will...the WORLD over !

Therein lies the reason for the aforementioned telegram; it is one of THOSE emergent calls....and it's not pretty.

Nor is it a "pretty" thing to be called away from my beloved homeland to some horrid nadir of this, the freshest, loveliest and most invigorating of seasons.....blessed Winter!

Yes my friend, a cry for help has sprung up like a miasma of fear from the Caribbean Agricultural Coalition of an emerging and potentially catastrophic fungus affecting their sugar industry and economic life-blood.

It's sounds initially like none other than the dreaded CANE BLIGHT, and the I.B.S. ( with authorization from Passports Canada), have decided to send their BEST "field" man.....yours truly !

I have a mere nine sleeps....I mean DAYS... to slough off these extravagant trappings and comforting layers of Winter euphoria before heading off to the estimated source of the scourge; the wretched and untamed isle of Barbados, some 3305 long miles to the south-southeast!

A cursory glance at an atlas tells me this little coral "rock" some 900 miles from the equator must me breeze-blown, snow-free and sun INFESTED!

I must, if I can, in the coming short days before my reluctant but resigned departure, SOAK UP as much of Winter's ambrosiatic essence as possible because the hellacious environs which await are likely to be almost inhumanely "tropical" in nature?

Hopefully I can manage some rest in the fearful days ahead because my work there will surely involve long and intense days along the shoreline where my instincts tell me the BLIGHT's cursed seed lies dormant in a menacing sand dune, or perhaps lurks unassumingly in some ominous chlorinated pool water somewhere?

But as the great Mexicali patriot Josita Perez bravely said to his followers on the eve of his trial for vagrancy, "Don't Cry For Me Montenegro!"....or something like that?.....

This is the life I've chosen, and I knew going in, that the life of a Botanist at Large would be equal parts hair-raising excitement, back breaking drudgery, heart-stopping thrills as well as perilous adventure and sacrifice....not for the feint of heart, questioning of sprit, or lacking of soul. ( "girly-men", home-bodies and Chia Petters need not apply !)

I know I'm trading the comforting stability of solid snow and ice for the treacherousness of foreboding beaches; a rosy cheeked glow for some ungodly hue of ecru, and sub-zero zestiness for equatorial ennui, but the sacrifice and hardship will fade like melting snow should I somehow solve this Caribbean cane conundrum.

I shall find my solace in the salvation of the sugar cane farmers; their joy and peace of mind in knowing that there will be another crop to harvest, and mine in knowing that there's always NEXT Winter to luxuriate in.

Love tImMy :/

( I B.S. you not )

Laugh as much as you breathe

and Love as long as you live. ( all inclusive)

Milestones - 22

Morning Friend,

Recently at the lush and catered "Gala" of my brother-in-law's 50th birthday, I overheard an elderly woman confide to another, how in her lifetime she'd not until lately seen so much preoccupation and "pomp" devoted to one's reaching of 50 years of age.....the "BIG FIVE-O" - to use the vernacular.

"In my day," the old girl said, "if you reached 90 or 100...THAT was something to make a big deal out of....most EVERYBODY makes it to FIFTY?"

I'm certain she was in no way mitigating the gaiety of the event, nor was she tempering her affection for my brother-in-law, - a FINER man of his VAST accomplishments, steely moral fiber and profound faith you will NOT find easily - but was instead commenting generally on our modern society's preoccupation with MILESTONES, particularly the "BIG-O" variety.

Now she raised a good point - unless of course she was simply a septuagenarian approaching the "BIG Eight-O" lobbying for a similar fete??? - she nevertheless got me thinking.

We DO make mountains out of these milestones as if each DECADE of life is a gargantuan struggle to be trumpeted triumphantly, vanquishing time is a commendable conquest, and birthdays not ending in zero are just "pit-stops" between the "BIG" ones.

Well, as usual my Monday Mind woke up with a contradictory spin on it today and I'd like to suggest that there are FAR more significantly commendable birthdays in life than the big "O" 's?

Anyone who's witnessed the perilous and precarious day to day life of a toddler has seen a truly adventurous, daunting and awe-inspiring "life on the edge"....crashes, gashes, falls, bumps and tumbles....mystifying discovery and horrifying fear..... near maimings, poisonings and head trauma.

To see first hand, a child emerge relatively UNSCATHED after a head over heels plunge down a flight of stairs is to fully understand the adage, "God looks after drunks and small children".

To witness the explosion of growth, the flowering of knowledge and the unfathomable wonder of a growing child in a world so fraught with danger, is like watching exquisite pottery being shaped on a mystical wheel by loving, Heavenly hands... in a hurricane !

To share, to guide and to protect a life so precious is to breathe for a time the air of omnipotence, to hear for a time the Siren song of boundless youth and to be for a time a surrogate Angel of God.

THESE, my friend, are the bold and brave conquerors of time and survivors of space whose birthdays should be HERALDED with all the pomp and circumstance, froth , finery, joy and salutations apropos on the "BIG 1" or the "BIG 2", "3", etc.

These truly "BIG" occasions are the call for "irreverent reverence" - balloons and streamers and cake and pop and games and music and "controlled" mayhem shared with cherished celebrities, special guests ( and even a clown or two?).

No offense to the "Big-0" crowd with their...

"Two-0...teen no more",

"Three-0...fun's over",

"Four-0...gettin' old",

"Five-0...crisis time",

"Six-0...pension time", or

"Seven-0...REALLY old"....

As far as I'm concerned, once you've run out of fingers to display your age then it's time to leave the REAL birthday partying to those who DESERVE and so enthusiastically appreciate it.

Many "Big-0" parties I've attended were more "excuses for drunkenness" than "tributes to longevity", ( EVERYONE was a "clown"! ) and having seen more than one impaired reveler take a tumble down some stairs and emerge "relatively" uninjured, I again witnessed the Good Lord's affinity for inebriates and infants.

I don't mean to take the "bloom off the rose" of anyone whose lives ARE marked by 10-year blocks of personal growth and development and are WORTHY of special recognition. ( My brother-in-law Marv is a Father, a Surgeon, a Marathoner and an accomplished musician for example!)

I just don't believe that simply "surviving" or "existing" for a number of years constitutes the need for a "celebration"?

I believe that a person is "as young as their dreams...and as old as their fears".

For me, June 20, 2005 is my "real" birthday because that is the day I said goodbye to fear forever and began to dream every night like a kid at my own BIG party, with balloons and streamers and EVERYTHING!!!!

And with the Good Lord's continued assistance, the love and support of my family, and the DAILY vigilance and required application of this new way of living, MY next "Big-0" might simply be conspicuous as the SUM of many fruitful, beautiful, and delightfully cherished days.

In the meantime....I'm 1302 today.

But I don't look a day over 40! HA!

"Happy Birthday to Me....."

Love tImMy:/

"Laugh as much as you breathe,

and Love as long as you live." ( your dream)

Turning Out Nice -21

Morning Friend,

I don't consider it display of braggadocio when I say I'm a "nice" person.

In the first place, a "nice" person wouldn't be bragging about it now would they?

Not that "boastful" people aren't "nice", they're just folks whose insecurities require a little supplemental self-promotion.

One should be slightly wary of those whose ONLY attribute is their "niceness"?

For example, "Well, I'm a drunk a cheat a liar and I beat up my wife, but DEEP DOWN....I'm a pretty nice guy!".

Moreover, one cannot automatically assume that a person who is "diligent, honest and temperate" is also, a "nice" person.

A well developed sense of propriety and social responsibility is a "nicety" shared by nice people and "Jerks" alike.

It's far easier to APPEAR to be nice, than to DO nice things for people.

TRULY nice people don't advertise it; either as a supplement to their achievements, or the "saving grace" of an otherwise misspent life.

NICENESS, I would venture to say, can be easily measured by what a person does WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND to see them.

Like a tree falling in a forest beyond the range of human hearing, the sound of niceness is like an atomic blast; the atoms converging in the caring soul, splitting in the humble heart and deafeningly rising to the heavens in a clamoring mushroom cloud of selfless compassion and God-given love.

Now this is one instance where I'm not going to apologize for going a little "adjectivally overboard" because there is a palpable, physiological, psychological and spiritual "RUSH" that accompanies simple acts of human kindness that you CANNOT find anywhere else on this earth. ( nor can you replicate it with drugs or purchase it online).

For me, it's all about a clear and healthy conscience and a strong relationship with God, but even if religion is not your "thing", you MUST have felt the glow after doing - what is not always the "easiest"- but what you know is the RIGHT thing....something "nice".

One of the benefits of religion being my "thing", is knowing that the trees falling in the forest of my life are making a heavenly "racket".

One needn't wonder about what I do when I'm "alone" because I never am.

But regardless of your religious persuasion my friend, unless you're a sociopath, I daresay the conscience of a "nice" person doesn't take days off, (which is why the note left on the window of your "just dinged" car in the parking lot could just as easily have been left by an Atheist as a Baptist ).

If the note says, "I'm writing this because someone is watching me. Have a nice day. HA HA! ", then you know you've been dinged by the aforementioned "jerk", who is probably DEEP DOWN "nice", but doesn't have insurance.

At any rate, I've surely not covered any profound territory today and while it's nice to be "nice", it's also important to recognize that I AM flawed as we all are and therefore not ALWAYS so.

Recognizing that, and the fact that the RIGHT choices are often the most difficult, makes life a daily and often fulfilling CHALLENGE.

I was blessed however, in my childhood to learn first-hand about REAL "challenges" and those lessons guide and inspire me to this day.

As part of her Nurses' Training, my Mother did a "rotation" at St. Amant Centre. ( a Hospital for handicapped and mentally retarded children)

I remember vividly the "aura" of the place when on occasion we visited her there and she took my brother and I on a "tour".

We played with a boy about the same age as us, the shared laughter and innocent joy of children belied by our diverse destinies and poignantly distinct challenges.

In a small, dimly lit and alien-smelling room I peered through the bars of a large "crib" where a baby with severe hydrocephalus ( his head larger than his body), lay sleeping and I was stricken with just about every emotion and contemplative thought a young boy can comprehend in a few brief moments.

How did this happen? ....What was he experiencing? ... Will he "get better"?...Does his family come to "visit"?...Is he in pain?....Does he "sense" I am here?

I dreamt of that dim room and the silent bonding between me and that "challenged" child for many months.

The enormity of the experience conveyed invaluable lessons in humility, humanity, mercy, compassion and love I will never forget: to realize how incredibly fortunate I am and to SHARE that fortune with others whether they even REALISE it or not.

I'm fairly certain I'm a "nicer" person for it. ( Thank You Mother! )

love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live." ( unto the least of my brothers)

Always Christmas - #20

Morning Friend,

One of the most asked questions in the workplace today will be "How was your Christmas?"....the denouement if you will, of a fairly "hectic" month for many folks.

It's a natural and politely asked question, like "How was your vacation?" or "How did your surgery go?", not requiring any "in depth" or "blow by blow" description.

Other than really CLOSE friends, no one wants TOO much "information", especially about a surgical procedure or your "life changing" backpack excursion in the Himalayas?

A quick summary of food, family and perhaps a notable gift is all that's called for, because lets face it, the Party's over right?

Well, almost I suppose. There's still New Year's; the "opportunity" to mingle with a bunch of heavily drinking revelers - many of whom don't do so normally and are therefore quite "out of sorts", in a distressing and often obnoxious fashion.

Even in my drinking days, I was wise enough to stay clear of such over-hyped, over priced, over the top New Year's Eve GALAS, preferring instead more intimate gatherings in someone's home, surrounded by people I "knew".

At least I "knew" they could hold their liquor and weren't likely to be hitting on my date all night or planting kisses on every woman in sight at the stroke of midnight.

Such "amateur" drunks often end their nights with bloodied noses or worse, which is a good thing as it's probably nipped in the bud, any notions they might have had about "turning pro".

But because I tired of showing such tipsily wayward lotharios the error of their ways, AND because as a "professional" I had more intensely economical and controlled impairment in mind, the annual "Calendar Change - Let's Get Bent Fest" was always best spent with like-minded individuals.

But enough about the phenomenon of New Year's and its' attendant RESOLUTIONS. One can get drunk and make empty promises to themselves just as easily on July 31st as they can on the last day of December. ( and it doesn't cost $60 a couple !)

Today....when asked "How WAS my Christmas?" I intend to reply with a warm handshake or a hug and " I can't tell you because it's NOT OVER".

"Well...RIZDVOM KHRYSTOVYM! Merry Christmas Timmy!....I didn't know you were Ukrainian?", they may respond.

"No, despite my sinewy but rugged frame and chiseled Eastern-bloc features, I'm not Ukrainian, (Lithuanian/German ancestry actually), although if I was, it would have been nice to do all my Christmas shopping on Boxing Day and, I'd still have that feast of meatless dishes to look forward to next week?"

"Then what do you mean Christmas is not over?" they might ask hoping my response doesn't ebb into the dreaded realm of "too much information", such as a kaleidoscopically colorful post surgical infection or wonder if I've lost my mind and am still anxiously awaiting the "leaping lords, calling birds and milking maids" that the old "12 Day" song promises.

At this point I will shamelessly shill my blog, abstainersworld.blogspot.com in the hopes they might experience a similar catharsis that I did while writing recent installments regarding the SPIRIT of Christmas.

It's one thing to WRITE about love and sharing and peace and forgiveness and faith and good will, and quite another to PRACTICE them.

And it's one thing to display all these fine qualities in December, but what about the rest of the year?

Similarly, it's a fine idea to have RESOLUTIONS as the clock chimes on January 1st, but what happens when a life change becomes necessary in April or September?

I have learned a great deal about LIFE and CHOICES in the past few years.

Most importantly I've learned that God has given ME the power and the freedom to CHOOSE...the why-where-and WHEN, of my life's path.

The CALENDAR, like alcohol before it, will no longer be a determining factor in my behavior. ( except of course how much clothing to wear out of doors...and when to go work? )

I have decided to MAINTAIN the cherished Spirit of Christmas throughout the entire year and it's not nearly as DAUNTING a concept as you might think my friend. ( not NEARLY as difficult as say, losing weight or -sHudDeR- quitting smoking?)

- in January, the poor can still use a helping hand

- in February, a hug or warm handshake still "works"

- in March, a favor is always appreciated

- in April, Sunday Mass is as uplifting as any time

- in May, people like getting a gift for no reason at all

- in June, phone calls and mail maintain "togetherness"

- in July, self-evaluation and inventory are never out of season

- in August, volunteering is valuable and fulfilling

- in September, children's lives should be a DAILY delight

- in October, we all have a fence that needs "mending"

- in November, the World needs a strong reasoning voice

- in December, oh yeah...it's THAT time again!

My "drift" today is a sincere hope that when your tree comes down, you don't take down the facade of your Christmas Spirit with it....that the "party" might be over but the Lights in your heart remain burning bright....and that Christ's birth herald's YOUR call to share God's love in your life all year long.

Almost everyone has gotten some "bad Christmas gifts". ( can you say "chia-pet" ?)

But WHO, ever got a bad "gift" gift???

(Best of luck with your "resolutions"....my only suggestion on that front would be "one day at a time"....that way if you falter, you don't have to wait 11 months to try again.)

Da blagoslovit Vas Gospot!

love, tImMy:/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live." ( dobre)

Anniversary Song ( Push PLAY!)

You Whut!? - "I'd Say I Do" ( sound on)

Summer '08, love tImMy :)

Written and recorded at the "Topp" of the Bella Vista

Production and additional instrumentation, courtesy of Darren Duke Studios and You Whut!?

Visuals inspired and transpired courtesy of Grace and Jerry Lawrence. A Windows Movie Maker production

Functionality -19

Morning Friend,

The Festive Season provides many challenges and opportunities for people of all stripes, but none more so than the "functioning" alcoholic.

If you're not familiar with the "functioning" adjective as it pertains to alcoholics, I'll enlighten you from my own experience and perspective if I may?

The clichéd image of an alcoholic; unwashed and curled up in an alley semi-consciously swigging "Bingo" out of a brown paper bag, is a convenient and invaluable scapegoat to the "functioning" drunk, who considers himself a "better man" than the wino.

While he still holds on tenuously to his job, his home, his relationships, his finances, his dignity, AND can manage to get a drunken glow on every day, he certainly has the right to consider himself "better" than "some drunk on Main Street" !?

I certainly did....and was wrong.

A man plunging towards the depths of ruin is NO BETTER than one already there, he's just "running a little late".

And "running late" was just one of the many "hallmarks" of my days of "functioning".

Forever late was I for EVERYTHING from work, dates, appointments and opportunities, to even ( shudder) CLOSING TIME at the bar!

Now "lateness" is not the exclusive property of alcoholics but it IS reflective of ones' "functioning" nature because the alternative is to NOT SHOW UP AT ALL, which is not only NOT conducive to maintaining any long term relationships or careers, but is often the "stepping off point" to "dysfunctional alcoholism" and its' inherent and inevitable peril.

If I had been more prudent in my "functionality" I would have made extra efforts to NOT be late, and therefore avoid the spotlight on such "warning signs", but the insidiousness and exponentially destructive nature of the disease is that you gradually LOSE CONTROL, starting with the simplest things like hearing your alarm go off, until you eventually have no reason to own one.

"Thankfully", I discovered and embraced Christmas as a GOLDEN JUSTIFICATION for being absent, late, disheveled, forgetful, shaky, or even drunk at any and all hours of the day or night.

- Having a "Christmas DRINK" is a quaint Yuletide tradition that afforded me the justification for what would otherwise have been a "Tuesday DRINK" or a "Wednesday WHAT-THE-HELL", which sound far too "alcoholic" as opposed to "festive"?

- A PARTY was always the perfect opportunity to "free pour" my way into raucous oblivion in the guise of being filled with "Christmas Spirit".

- Three or more days off work consecutively was perfectly good reason to get "bent" at any time of the year, but during the Yuletide it's called "Making Merry".

- You don't "stop by" peoples houses or have visitors at this time of year without there being a "shot" of something offered.

- The "stress" of shopping ALWAYS called for a few "pops" to steel the nerves before heading to the mall, a "nip" in a nearby bar for sustenance when you're halfway done, and of course the celebratory "6 pack" when you're home and wrapping.

- Those darn "statutory" holidays were BLACK HOLES in my well functioned routine, which always meant stocking up on plenty of "Christmas Booze" so there was absolutely no risk of an unforgivable lapse in "jolliness"!

- The hangovers precipitated by the imbibement of the ARRAY of Seasonal Specialties like rum, brandy and wine IN ADDITION to my usual mandated intake of beer, were exquisite and extraordinary in their magnitude.

These "challenges and opportunities" ROBBED me of many Christmas memories my friend because, I can't remember them.

From my early to mid 20's on( when I became "fully functional"), most of my Christmases are drunken blurs. I might just as well have been curled up with a brown paper bag.

Oh I'm sure I wasn't stumbling around incontinent and incoherently blitzed, but when you're coming off a drunk, take REQUIRED PAUSES for things like an 8 hour shift or family Christmas gift opening, and then get drinking again at the first opportunity, you're not exactly SOAKING UP life and all its' beauty and majesty to the fullest.

I was functioning. The Birth of Christ...the love and fellowship of my family....the "Magic" of the season, all took a back seat to maintaining my functional level of inebriation....no "better", than ANY man.

I might just as well have been semi-conscious in an alley, WITHOUT all the "challenges and opportunities".

Which is why this Christmas I'll look not under the TREE for the "gift" which already dwells in my heart and mind.

I give thanks for it EVERY morning.

It is a daily reprieve and a gift from God.

It is the greatest gift I ever have or will receive, and I pray that SOMEONE; a lost soul in the street, a young person with difficulties, a heavy drinker who is finding it increasingly difficult to "function", may discover as I have that life is simpler....and sweeter....when you are FREE !

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live." ( Festively)

Yuletide Memories -18

Morning Friend,

First and foremost today, I'd like to send out heartfelt condolences and a prayer of comfort if you are like many for whom the joy and pageantry of the Christmas Season is tempered by the illness or loss of a loved one.

There are many "Christmases Past" that were NOT festive and joyous occasions, and in many instances a December tragedy may long tarnish the "Merriness" of Christmas.

In my case, we lost "Grampa" who was as much a traditional fixture sitting stoically beside the tree on Christmas morning, as the Angel majestically atop it.

My Dad always looked rather "stoic" himself, if not still slightly "buzzed" from his and Grampa's nocturnal Holiday imbibement. The sugarplum fairies that had danced in MY head all night appeared to have been a line of Chorus Girls in theirs?

I can say that now, having done a few Christmas Eve "all-niters" myself, and taking the "edge" off with a beer before gift-opening, but at the time my innocent eyes saw with the pure empathy of a child that "Dad and Grampa had trouble sleeping with Santa on his way TOO!!!.....I guess they're having a beer to celebrate that HE CAME!?"

But time passes, the family grows, and the melancholy associated with his absence is replaced by his legacy amongst my beloved Christmas memories.

Funny how the mind works....I have VAGUE recollections of those first few years that he WASN'T there on Christmas morning, but can still see those twinkling slate eyes, smell his Old Spice ( tinged with whiskey and tobacco), hear his quiet laugh and feel his warm strong hugs in my earliest memories.

I realize this "selectiveness of memory" is more the province of children and that "letting go" is daunting, especially at this intensely emotional time of year, but I've discovered that if you look at the MEANING behind the chaotic retail frenzy and logistical maelstrom, you will find a comforting and redemptive word in Christmas....CHRIST.

That word stands for many things to many people and for some, nothing at all, but even the most die hard atheist would be hard pressed to deny that there IS something extraordinary and magical about this "season of Christ", about CHRISTmas.

There is an "aura"; of friendliness, excitement and wonder...of compassion, consideration and generosity...of introspection, forgiveness and LOVE, that is "amped up" as it is at no other time of the year.

It is a "sprit" that pervades unilaterally across ALL religious, political and moral factions.

It is a "spirit" that can EASE the pain of a December 25th that might, for whatever reason, not be a particularly "happy" time in one's life.

To those for whom this Season comes with sadness, I pray you the strength to embrace this "spirit" of SHARING... this joyous commemoration of Christ's BIRTH...this celebration of LIFE and LOVE.

Not by what you receive, but by what you give.

Perhaps not under the tree, but in your heart.

Several years ago my Folks agreed I could have a friend from work spend Christmas with us.

He was sort of a "down-but-not-outer" with no family and would otherwise have spent Christmas alone in his hotel room with some reefer and a bottle.

"Santa", ( Mom's "storehouse of everything known to Mankind, and some yet to be identified" ), even brought old "Bob" some presents....socks and stuff.

That Christmas morning, with gleeful children frolicking at his feet, in the tears running out his blue eyes and down his scruffy smiling face, I saw my Grampa again.

I couldn't even tell you what ELSE I "got" that year.

God Bless us, Everyone. ( and thank you again, Mom and Dad !)

MERRY CHRISTMAS FRIEND!

love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live." ( Hallelujah!)