Being Three - 33

Morning Friend,

Bitter are the tears of a child: Sweeten them.
Deep are the thoughts of a child: Quiet them.
Sharp is the grief of a child: Take it from him.
Soft is the heart of a child: Do not harden it.

Pamela Glenconner

If you've visited the "blog" site, ( which is not really a traditional "blog" per se, as it is the "Musings Repository"), you might be wondering who the outrageously cute child in the picture, "Angel Ashley" is?

The extent of her beauty obviously excludes ME in her parental genetic mix, but to MEET her, is to discover a goodly inherited portion of her Uncle Tim's frenzied passion for all things "WACKY", "FUN" and "FAST" !

She is my God-child and the youngest of my brother Marshall and sister-in-law Gwen's three beautiful daughters.

Janelle and Angela are in school all day now, so babysitting opportunities now involve just me and the... "Little Dynamo"..."Three Foot Nuclear Reactor"...."Giggling Girl"...."Monkey Girl"....or most appropriately, "FLASH-ley" !

When there are two or more of the girls to look after, they INTERACT nicely so I'm often simply supervising them at play.

But when it's just me and Ash, I AM the "play", and BOY!...do we EVER! ( exhaustively !)

And you know what my friend?

I've come to believe that my little God-daughter not only "loves" and "listens to", and "trusts", and "respects" and "feels safe" with her Uncle Tim......she LIKES me!

And while LOVE may bloom and die with the seasons on the vine of life, the roots of FRIENDSHIP run deep and eternally through the soil and soul of earth.

And as mutually forgiving and uncompromisingly agreeable as most friends are, I never dwell on such things as her lapses in continence and she never fusses too much about the limits of both my culinary and hide-and-seeking abilities.

We're just like two burrs on a donkey's tail.

Ashley turned 3 on March 20th which just so happens to be the very same age as me.

***I have done THE MATH and discovered that it is highly LIKELY that "the FLASH" was CONCEIVED on the very same day I was "reborn".

The parallels in our three years of growth and development are remarkable, exquisite, delightful, and in some ways, miraculous.

The very sight of her face lighting up when she first sees me is enough to make me weep with joy; my heart fluttering like an Angel's wings...my resolve, a Heavenly firmament.

She truly IS representative of the "Angelic" beauty that adorns the wondrous and magical kingdom that my world has become.....a world where me and Ashley will always be the same age.

I wrote a little something to commemorate my friend's third birthday, to celebrate my own, and to acknowledge the grace and love of the Good Lord who is of course the THIRD party...when WE were THREE

When WE were THREE... by Uncle "Teeem"

...you were my “Angel Princess” and I, a “King”

we could make a “Royal Mess” out of just about anything!

...we had both just learned to walk upright

you had a blazing “pamper scamper” and I was strolling in new “light”

...you liked to draw and I liked to write

while lacking in “pure” talent, we had my enthusiasm and your delight

...I was bigger than you ( a bit of a “lout”!)

but you had WAY more energy, so it all evened out

...we sure knew how to “tear”

like bikes in the house when Mom wasn’t there!

...we were as curious as kittens in clover

finding life just as wondrous starting out – as starting over

...we made quite a “fashionable” pair

scuffed knees, runny noses and flyaway “crows-nest” hair

...we sang songs with soulfulness and flair

like the “A.B.C.’s” sung by Sonny and Cher

...the light in your eyes lit a fire in my heart

that no despair, doubt or fear, could ever put out

...I kept you safe and you made me strong

though I had trouble saying “no’ we never went wrong

...we discovered we’ll ALWAYS be that way

Ashley, Tim and Jesus...forever in love each day

20/03/09

Ashley/Tim ( 36/45)

Love, uNcLetImMy:)

Laugh as much as you breathe

Love as long as you live (playing)

Counting - 32

Morning Friend,

I've never been a real "Math" kind of guy..."English"; ( or the butchering of same), has always been more my forte.

I was told early on in sobriety by more than one A.A. member that it was NOT a good idea to COUNT the days, as in, " I haven't had a drink in 11 days....that's about as long as my worst bender!"....or "I haven't had a drink in 3 days....that's how long it's taken me to recover from my last 11 day spree!"....or "I've just beaten by old record of 11 days...time to celebrate with a 3 day tilt!".

I believe the reasoning behind such a suggestion is that it takes one's focus AWAY from the all-important TODAY; which I can say from my experience in "early" sobriety, was about the only thing my "shell-shocked" brain and shattered countenance had the ability to focus ON.

And that makes perfect sense really.

What good are "a thousand wonderful yesterdays" to a man strapping himself aboard a Hell-bound hand-basket TODAY?

When the sun sets on TODAY, will I have frittered it away, selfishly patting myself on the back for yesterday's "glory"?

Who besides war heroes and crazy people get a "free pass" TODAY to do whatever they want due to "past considerations" ?

The truth of the matter is that a recovering drunk with a thousand sober yesterdays having a drink TODAY, is nothing more than a drunk, ( again), and those thousand days won't even get him a "free one".

I get it.

I also get that TODAY, spent bettering the world and myself, is preferable to a day of self-aggrandizement.

Lord knows there's no shortage of work to be done in both cases, but the area of "self improvement" is probably the better starting point since I'm about the only one qualified ( and interested), in correcting my own annoying habits, personality flaws, and all round garden variety character defects.

When you think about it, one more "better PERSON" makes a "better WORLD" , so the "global ramifications" of human activity are not ALL environmental. ( I suppose you could say I'm partly "responsible" for GLOBAL SOBERING !? )

Alas my friend as you might have suspected from Yours Truly.... the "helpless convention flaunter" that I am. I do...COUNT my days.

I count the days, each like a precious gift; each more wondrous and beautiful, and less daunting and uncertain than the ones before it.

You'll note I've said it was "suggested" that I don't, and I can see how some poor soul who is constantly "slipping" and "re-starting" and "relapsing" and "re-counting" and losing count and over-counting and not counting a sip of wine in the count, and count on the count....end up getting COUNTED OUT!

But for me, counting WORKS....and that's really the bottom line.

For a "recovering incorrigible liar" like myself, who on any given day - back in "the day" - could tell ten different people, ten different stories about how much I had or hadn't had to drink, ( and they'd ALL be B.S.!), I carry around the knowledge of EXACTLY the number of days I've been sober like the "priceless treasure" that the TRUTH is.

For a "recovering coward" like myself, who wallowed in drunken self-pity and fear for over 9,000 days, I count each day as another in a series of humble but hard-fought VICTORIES.

For a "recovering fool" like myself, who squandered God-given talents and opportunities until my very dignity was but a crumbling shell, I can now look eye-to-eye with anyone and rattle off the count with deep gratitude, dead reckoning, and immense PRIDE.

For a "recovering alcoholic", who at one time couldn't manage ONE sober day, I think it's worth mentioning that today the count is at 1,400.

Not an OVERLY IMPRESSIVE statistic by any standards, and I only really mention it because it's a nice "round" number and it happens to coincide with 46 MONTHS which happened to coincide with "Musing Monday".

If you do nothing but sit back and tick off your "sober" days on the calendar, you might end up improving your math skills, but little about your heart and soul will change for the better.

It's been said that if you sober up a drunken horse-thief, you're still left with a thief. ( and probably not your horse !? )

So hand in hand with each day of sobriety has been, and MUST be a conscientious and ongoing effort at "Tim-improvement".

Each numbered day is a granite boulder of the foundation upon which I construct my TODAYS.

For ME, the size of each new day's construction "project" is directly proportional to the foundation I've laid, and in 1,400 days I've gone from bird-houses to CASTLES!

Never forgetting of course the ONE fundamental rule of the "global" job site.....

....NO "inconvenient FIFTHS" !

love tImMy:/

Laugh as much as you breathe

Love as long as you live ( adding up)

Good Orderly Direction - 31

Morning Friend,

Would it surprise you greatly to learn that my grade 2 Catechism teacher once invited our Parish Priest to answer some "theological questions" posed by a precociously skeptical student which she herself had been unable to properly address? ( at least to MY satisfaction?)

To the good Father's credit, he surely did the best he could in trying to explain to an 8-year-old, the Great Flood and God's "justification" for wiping the human slate clean and starting fresh.

The poor fellow looked about as uncomfortable as I'd ever seen a Priest, with sort of a "no one at the Seminary ever said there'd be days like this?" look to him.

Not that I was feeling particularly "buoyant" myself wondering if this opportunity to pose my questions to someone "higher up" the chain of Catholicism might be merely a prelude to determining my candidacy for an exorcism?

I worried also whether such borderline blasphemy might not get me booted as an Alter Boy; AFTER I had been pilloried, stoned and racked of course. ( This would also doubtlessly throw a wrench into my youthful designs on the Priesthood as a career choice which at the time had been a "serious" consideration !)

I wish I could tell you the meeting was a rousing success; a profound moment of enlightenment in which the STEEL of my FAITH was tempered!

Had that been the case, this forum might well be entitled "FATHER Ab's Miraculous Meanderings" !?

The truth is, I STILL don't understand God's "reason" for the Great Flood. ( the gist of my dilemma was, and still is, that there had to be at least a FEW "innocents" among the millions that were drowned ? )

Whether intended or not, what the good Father DID manage to convey to a fearful and impressionable lad that day was the notion that whether you are a nappy-headed 8-year-old or an eighty-year-old Rhodes Scholar, it is a MISTAKE to try and define, interpret, justify, contemporize, humanize, illuminate or explain GOD, especially through the flawed writings of flawed and mortal men as found in Biblical tales.

Just yesterday, Christians celebrated Easter; based on a STORY of "redemption", "re-incarnation" and "rejuvenation" of "God's only son" who "died for our sins" and "rose up from the dead" as sign of "His love for us" and the "eternal life" which awaits in "Heaven" for all those who "ask for forgiveness".

I ask you this my friend:

- Will a bank robber grab a quick read of the Bible on his way to the crime scene, or is he more likely to be able to recite scriptures by rote when he's before the parole board?

- Does God "hide" in the pages of the Bible waiting to be "found" by death row inmates?

- Is "going to church" once a week worthy of forgiveness for a week's mayhem?

- Is God's word "unavailable" to those needing the strength to overcome evil intentions BEFORE they are acted on?

Without getting into theological hot water, I'll instead slog through some moral muck here and suggest that the most basic principle of ANY religion is NOT a "literary interpretation" of some thousand-year-old tome, but rather the practice of choosing a life of Goodness before and instead of Evil?

Except to the more Sociologically impaired segment of society, the difference between RIGHT and WRONG is not a state secret.

The very harmonious balance of life in the most secular of societies is reflected by the choices made by its' citizens.

Do we not have to make such choices dozens of times in the course of our days?

Don't MANY if not MOST people generally make a habit of making the "right" choice, whether they own, have read or even heard about the Bible?

Couldn't it be said that such people act in that "right" way because GOD "Lives" IN them?

Aren't the true "Acts of God" found in the valor, sacrifice, forgiveness, love and morally "right choices" of everyday "Good People"?

Here I am now 8 years and several scores old and still asking questions about God.

At least from my ceaselessly inquisitive but more finely honed perspective of late, they are mostly rhetorical.

Living on a FLOOD PLAIN as I do, the "moral" high ground is about as safe as I can get.

Love "Father" tImMy:/ ( that DOES have a nice ring!?!?)

Laugh as much as you breathe

Love as long as you live ( high and dry)

"Fan Mail" - 30

Morning Friend,

Today is a milestone of sorts for the old Monday Muser....my 30th "episode" !

The words of encouragement AND the "constructive criticism" have been welcomed equally and warmly. ( Keep them coming folks ! )

A dental appointment early this morning has left me feeling somewhat "creatively challenged", so I think I'll share some feedback along with the responses, to some of the comments and "constructive" criticism I've received in the past 7 months .

- Dear Ab,

Where do the ideas and inspiration for the musings come from?

signed, LEFT BRAIN

Dear LEFT BRAIN,

I come by the modicum of writing skill and the "passion for prose" I possess honestly, having obtained a Creative Communications diploma from R.R.C.C. in 1981. I always knew I COULD write but was never consistently sober enough to make a living out of it. ( I was offered a full time reporters job at the Winnipeg Sun before I had even graduated College, but turned it down knowing full well that between the rigors of a newsroom and those of a heavy drinker, there was room for only ONE set of rigors....I would have been sacked in no time !) Monday Musings is simply an attempt to "get my feet wet" again in a small, semi-structured "deadline oriented" literary fashion. Nothing is "pre-written" or even thought about. I set my alarm for 6:00 a.m. and whatever comes to mind as I float in bed listening to the coffee maker do its' thing on Monday morning, becomes the THEME....and away I go for 5-6 hours till she's done and spell-checked and with a mighty sigh I push "SEND" and go back to bed. As far as "inspiration" and "ideas"....I have a MILLION reasons to love life again and each one of them is a story idea....that I have the strength, clarity and peace of mind to be able write them is inspiring in itself.

- Dear Ab,

Besides the OBVIOUS inference, what is the origin of the pseudonym "Abraham Stainer"?

signed, WHATSINANAME

Dear WHATSINANAME,

I was actually staining my brother's fence all day, one summer day early in my sobriety and as I am wont to do during such endeavors, I ended up as "Sienna Brown" as the fence itself. Covered in stain from head to toe and chit-chatting with Marshall and sister-in-law Gwen it was remarked that I'm an "Stained Abstainer" and an "Abstaining Stainer", and behold....ABRAHAM ( "Ab" ) STAINER was wrought upon the literary and home-decorating world.

- Dear Ab,

You look fairly "shredded" in recent pictures, what's your secret and why aren't you married off?

signed, LETTUCE-HEAD

Dear LETTUCE HEAD,

While I do cycle every day to work, and spend my coffee break doing a few sets in the gym, the KEY to my physical conditioning lies in what I've discovered through doing basic PUSHUPS and SITUPS at home EVERY single day.

Such basic exercise requires NO gym membership or fancy equipment; just the ability to CONTROL the weight and mass of your OWN BODY, in measured repetitions of activity.

Being able to control and maximize myself, and FEELING strong physically is the perfect compliment to how I feel mentally and spiritually; like a Warrior !

As to the second part of your question, I have been in several "near-marital" relationships which were derailed unquestionably, and sadly-so by my drinking. ( I would have made a TERRIBLE "husband" !) You might think I'd be "good to go" now, but the process of learning to live without alcohol also requires learning to "LIVE" with a renewed sense of honesty and a commitment to address my own plethora of character defects. Many like myself have found meeting and interacting with members of the opposite sex difficult because all of our "instincts" and "strategies" were honed and refined in our teens with "Liquid Courage" and "B.S.". Nevertheless, before I even consider "setting up house" with someone, I have a ways to go in getting my OWN, in order. Did I mention by the way how great exercise is for tension relief!?

- Dear Ab,

In some of your blog pictures you dress like Klem Kadiddlehopper and in others like you just finished a G.Q. shoot...why the disparity?

signed, GIORGIO

Dear GIORGIO,

I have the odd, "slightly threadbare", favorite old item of clothing that I'm reluctant to part with like anyone else, although there are one or two which even the moths won't waste their time with anymore, but I DO benefit greatly from having the same body size and type as my "lanky" but athletically sinewy and horse-shouldered brother-in-law Dr. Marv Goossen, who's fashion-conscious wife - sister Cheryl - keeps HIM in the latest fashions and ME in the "next-to-latest" hand me downs. Therein, lies the rub...and the reason why I can now be both "dressed up" AND "taken out".

- Dear Ab,

How do you deal with the CRAVING?

signed, HAIR O' THE DOG

Dear HAIR O' THE DOG,

If you mean Reese's Pieces, I don't....I keep a good few pounds of them around at all times. But as to alcohol, I don't have to "deal" with cravings because I've never once been even the remotest bit inclined to have, sip, sneak, buy or steal a drink from day ONE. When I speak of "God" and "Miracles" as I often do, the very fact that my OBSESSION went away COMPLETELY - along with a whole HOST of life-sapping grief, sickness and fear - is my own personal encounter with the saving Grace of God and all the "proof" I need that miracles DO happen. My grateful heart aches with prayers for the many alcoholics who still suffer through a daily battle with cravings, setbacks and "slips".

- Dear Ab,

I think I want your parents to adopt me?

signed, O. ANNIE

Dear O. ANNIE,

I can understand full well how anyone would want to experience the absolutely amazing love, patience, faith and courage of my Mom and Dad who literally saved my life and who are beacons of light and God's mercy upon me. While they are both officially "retired" from the workplace, the work of raising their own seven children, as Mom says, "...never ends.", so unfortunately they cannot at this time take on any new clients.

- Dear Ab,

Why do you use such big werds sumtimes?

signed, EGGBERT

Dear EGGBERT,

I like to throw at least one "$5 word" into each "two-bit" Musing as an "added value" feature, however some trains of thought just simply call for less COLLOQUIAL sentiments ? ( I can see how it might be frustrating though...for those without access to a dictionary, Eggbert !? )

- Dear Ab,

I "think" I might have a drinking problem and you might have the answer?

signed, RON BACARDI

Dear RON,

The fact that you are even thinking about it is a good sign, unless you're drunk while you're doing all the thinking. It's EASY to swear off booze "tomorrow" when you're half cut and the fridge is full, of beer, but when your mind ( and throat) are clear and dry, and it's 5:00 on a Friday after a LONG week and the wolves in your head are howling the Call of the Wild, the very idea of quitting drinking is right up there at the top of your Priority List, tied for first with putting sharp sticks in your eyes !

I have NO answers for you Ron. I only know what works for ME. Without going into EVERY reason I KNEW I had a problem, I'll simply say that when the CONSEQUENCES of drinking outweigh the full and free ENJOYMENT of life, then you have a problem. And the answers to that problem can be readily found at an A.A. meeting. You might not like the answers you get or even the personalities of the people there ( which is why it's nice that there are so many groups in major centers to choose from), but the answers will hold the TRUTH you seek, based on life experiences of Honest and Open-minded people who are more than Willing to share in a journey of hope, recovery and redemption. Never mind the "God Thing" that many people use as an excuse not to go because it "conflicts with their beliefs". To them I say, "you're life is a cesspool WITHOUT God...how much "worse" can it get WITH Him?!!! The only other piece of advice I ever care to give besides "go to a meeting" is ...SOBRIETY EQUALS FREEDOM.

- Dear Ab,

You're a brilliant writer and you're wonderful, but you need to stop smoking!

signed CONCERNED

Dear CONCERNED,

Yes Mother, thank you.

Love tImMy :/

Laugh as much as you breathe

Love as long as you live ( editorially sound)

TOO Happy - 29

Morning Friend,

I don't think I'll rile the Climatological Gods this morning and ramble on about the beauteous arrival of Spring. I made just such a mistake two weeks ago and we almost simultaneously received a healthy BLAST of Winter which has only recently ( yesterday) subsided!

Nature moves at her own pace, irrespective of the poetic whims and narrative wishes of mortal men.

But as slow and often petulant as Mother Nature can be, when that Divine Diva finally DOES change costumes, the SHOW can take on a whole new energy, especially if the old costume has been worn so long as to become a pain.

Such reminds me of the words of 17th century American poet Anne Bradstreet, who wrote,

"If we had no Winter, the Spring would not be so pleasant: If we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

These words I've posted on the door to my "office" at work, where you'll find several such INSPIRATIONAL nuggets.

( it's not an "office" really, but a storage closet for mops, pails and other tools of my presently "paying" engagement !)

In recent years I find myself being "accused" of being "extraordinarily, exceedingly, unnaturally, irrepressibly, and even NAUSEATINGLY...happy".

The truth of the matter is that I AM decidedly delighted.

The degree to which this is perceived is purely subjective, although I've never quite been clear on the concept of "TOO" and "HAPPY" in the same sentence?

The source of my perpetual happiness is paralleled in Anne Bradstreet's comparison of Winter and Spring to Adversity and Prosperity.

Having experienced and endured as bitter and "adversarial" a Winter as one could imagine, I now enjoy a life and lifestyle that is, ( and can be as long as I CHOOSE), perpetually Spring-like and pleasantly prosperous.

This is not uncommon amongst people who've "changed costumes" in life; who enjoy and appreciate the new one so much more because it fits better...it doesn't dig in or bind....it doesn't hurt like the old one.

(This might be one of the reasons CHER seems so exponentially enthusiastic during her performances?)

Which is why you'll often hear FORTUNATE ex-drinkers like myself describing themselves as "GRATEFUL" recovering alcoholics.

My "Winter" was particularly long and cold enough as to FILL me with gratitude at its' passing.

I respectfully quote a fine old gentleman I know, who's basked in a season of his own making for 50-plus years who soberly says, "I don't know if there's such a thing as a Heaven or not, but I know there's a Hell, because I lived in it here on earth..."

My many wounds have scarred over and they remain a vivid daily reminder of the icy Wintry lashes which created them.

I am carved like a stream bed emerging from a mountain of melting snow; the water sings as it rushes freely over me.

Today, it is Spring and I am ever so grateful to God and yes, pretty darned happy too!

Today I won't be TOO FULL as to forget how empty I was.

Today I won't be TOO STRONG as to forget how weak I was.

Today I won't be TOO generous, or kind, or wise, or thoughtful, or energetic, or magnanimous because Winter's bitter taste is still a fresh and fetid enough of a memory so I won't literally LEAP IN THE AIR AND SHOUT JOYFULLY TOO HIGH OR TOO LOUDLY!

Just enough to cause a little nausea perhaps?

Anyone for a chorus of "I Got You Babe"?

Love tImMy:/

Laugh as much as you breathe

Love as long as you live ( TOO something)

Skin Deep - 28

Morning Friend,

Imagine if you will, being a single, half decently looking and "fitter-than-average" young man of about 30.

It's Friday evening; that magical "hormone-iously" charged time on the cusp of another weekend of frantic fun and frolic.

The phone rings.

It turns out a "girlfriend of another girlfriend" told HER girffriend about your "charming manner" and "witty repartee".

You are "on the radar" as it were; a Wanted Poster on the post office wall of a young lady's heart.

You're invited to join some lovely gals at an all night "swimsuit optional" hot tub party.

It's a cold winter night and the party is across town but the hostess herself has offered to come and PICK YOU ( and whatever booze supply you'll need) UP!

You have long ago lost your "shyness" in the company of the fairer sex, and in fact THRIVE in such situations.

You come by your "charming manner" honestly because it is not an "act"....you ARE, as a result of a good education and a VERY good Christian upbringing; a decent, funny, intelligent, sensitive and in fact a SUPERBLY engaging young fellow! ( let's not forget the aforementioned "half decent" looks....you're NOT Brad Pitt...but you're a long way from Karl Malden! ).

Even in the most compromised of situations such as a noisy bar or a fleeting "elevator moment", you communicate well with the ladies.

The opportunity for a several languishing hours of pseudo-decadence in "mixed company" in the intimate confines of a hot tub now presents itself to you like a paving stone waiting to be snatched from the hand of a sleeping Kung Fu Master.

Being the hopeless romantic that you are, you have visions beyond some "carnal adventure" and muse wistfully about 20 years from now, telling the story about "how I met THE ONE, at of all places...in a darn hot tub!".

Being the "patient gentleman" that you are, you're not even thinking specifically in terms of "getting lucky" this VERY evening but rather sowing the seeds of friendship which in your experience are far more valuable than a "one night stand" and its' inherent ramifications.

Being the chronically gregarious man that you are, ( you'd die of LONELINESS, L O N G before starvation on a deserted island! ) the word PARTY itself fills your ears like a school bell ringing at the end of the last class of the year....like the Governor's voice on the phone granting a pardon to a condemned man......like a whirring can opener to a hungry cat....like the offer of the job of Brewery Beer Taster to an alcoholic....like your Doctor's voice telling you "you're cured, in fact I think you're going to live FOREVER!!!".

Now my friend ( of vivid imagination that you are), imagine you are the same "VIBRANT young man", but about three quarters of your skin surface is covered with bleeding, scaly-red and silvery blotches of what is known as "the heartbreak", of psoriasis.

You are in pain almost all of the time because every single movement, including breathing and restless sleeping, opens up a just-healed lesion.

The only people who've seen you naked in the last ten years are your dermatologist, and YOU, when you're in the mood for some "horror".

You wear long sleeves on scorching hot summer days... AT THE BEACH!

You are, by the very basic of societal definitions, and most certainly in your mind's eye...a hideous freak.

You are in need of good lie now because anyone with even the remotest social inclinations wouldn't turn down a chauffeured naked hot tub party unless they were too shy, too gay, too deformed, or "too busy on the threshold of discovering a cure for cancer'.

You are certainly not shy and you're not "gay" in ANY sense of the word but your deformity, while not contagious, would be about as welcome in a hot tub as a floating Oh Henry bar, so you go with being "waist-deep in research" and politely bow out of the event.

Then, you get good and drunk because it dulls the pain... the "physical" part anyway.

You have undergone every "treatment" known to modern science and are told there is no "cure".

You have a few brief but GLORIOUS relapses, especially in summer months when it goes away completely for a few weeks but for the most part of your 20's and 30's you live "in a lonely (s)hell".

Then in the summer of 2005, as your "pigmentation" has taken a back seat to a whole HOST of personal and even life-threatening alcohol-related problems, you decide to "turn your will and your life over to the care of God..." and you quit drinking for good.

In time, everything in your life starts sorting itself out, but what happens IMMEDIATELY is something about as remarkably close to a real live MIRACLE that you ever dared pray for.....

...your psoriasis, takes a hike....."ciao"....."seeya"...."wouldn't wanna beeya"....done....gone.

And as your skin is DRENCHED in the clear light of day you find your outstretched arms aren't long enough nor strong enough to fully give the Good Lord's world a big enough hug!

And the "half-decently-looking" face in the mirror every morning has a sunny smile that says, "Thank You!"

People ask you, "How do you manage to stay sober?"

You smile and say, "Hot tubs...and a little imagination".

love tImMy:/

Laugh as much as you breathe

Love as long as you live ( half-naked)

'Tis Spring - 27

Morning Friend,

Please note and relish, these exquisitely simple, and simply beautiful words which preface this morning's MUSINGS....

"Tis Spring....when a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of romance."

Loosely paraphrased, these words of the immortal Victorian age poet Lord Alfred Tennyson have always been my "mantra" when the annual "restlessness", "amorousness", "excitability", "frenetecism", and other symptoms associated with Spring Fever inevitably overtake me.

Not that romance is "out of season" at any other time of year, but when Spring finally arrives, especially after a particularly long and brutal Winter, there's just something extraordinarily sensual, transformational and inspirational in the very atmosphere itself...

...the soft fragrant earth emerging coyly like a sleepy siren from beneath her tattered quilt of snow...

...the sun's burgeoning light bears life-giving warmth and soul-stirring length to the days ever exploding into color...

...sinuses long congestedly compromised cast headlong into a tangy exotic breeze of savory scents long remembered...

...heavy blood thickened by the snails pace of a winter heartbeat swiftly melts into torrents of a pheromone-frothed broth...

...the landscape basks in flesh and feminine form emerging from the timeless dance of a thousand knitted veils ( and toques)...

...the shimmering sun smites into smithereens the long shadow of winter's night...

...perennial plans, dormant dreams and slumbering ambition awaken irritably like dusty, hungry bears...

...a bloom-covered hillside stretches skyward like a playground slide upon which children and angels frolic alike...

...into the bare chambers of the silent house that is my heart comes a symphony, into the deadened lobes of the empty house that is my mind comes truth, into the lonely realms of the condemned house that is my spirit comes God, and with them is the giddying sweetness and light of Love in Springtime...

What I lack in Lord Byron's simplistic style, ( besides his inimitable TALENT?), I DO tend to over-compensate with a certain adjectival abundance bordering perhaps on loquacious aplomb ?

I might have done well with....

"Tis Spring, and I am FREE ! ( again). "

love tImMy :/ (1365)

Laugh as much as you breathe

Love as long as you live ( fancifully)

"Seasons" for Ginette - 26

Morning Friend,

A dear friend of mine went to Heaven last week.

To her I happily and respectfully wish "bon voyage et merci mon ami"! ( She was "one of THOSE" people who, despite the enormity of their OWN difficulties, still made praying for OTHERS, myself included, a priority.)

To Ginette's friends and family, I offer this humble poem in honor of the tremendous courage she displayed, and inspired in others, throughout the "Autumn" of her life.

And in answer to the question posed many times by those who witness the "suffering" of loved ones in their last days; "Why do bad things happen to good people?"....I say I am not a Priest, a philosopher or a religious scholar, but I am "Schooled in Miracles" ( since every day of my "new" life IS one), so I can tell you that IT IS NOT OUR PLACE TO DEFINE "SUFFERING" AS EXPERIENCED BY SOMEONE OF FAITH AS PROFOUND AS GINETTE'S.

When someone's whole life is so intrinsically bound to the love and service of God, and their FAITH so deeply rooted in the power of the Holy Spirit and the promise of eternal life with Jesus Christ, then the "CHALLENGE" afforded by several months or even years of physical pain and "suffering" is exactly that....a "challenge", a "task", a "pitfall", a "setback", a "delay", a "transitional period between earth and HEAVEN"!

In my past work with the terminally ill, I have seen how a Shield of Spirituality is the most powerful analgesic known to man.

The pain of disease is no match for the Valor of the Faithful, and the darkness of despair has no place near the glorious Light of the Hopeful.

Fear, is not an option for the Fearless.

Today my friend I pray for all of us; to dedicate the Good Lord's wisdom and strength in us to the comfort of OTHERS in our need, and to face ANY "challenge" which comes our way as courageously as Ginette faced her last.

( "Save a spot for me at the Juice Bar 'ma soeur'....I'll still have your 'Jesus' around my neck!")

love tImMy:/

Seasons by Tim Lawrence

Were I able to halt the passing of a dear life
I would surely, swiftly intervene
Yet I am helpless and frail
a feeble bystander
Respectfully sad and serene

Could I but turn back life’s tenacious clock
I would make it my devoted role
But I am mute and weak
a grieving furious witness
to the passing of a soul

If I could wish…it would be for eternal Summer
I’d cherish the warmth so pleasing
Fond memories most treasured
Glowing nostalgia reminds
of that most perfect season

This is the season of love and growth
Fences strong ‘neath the long summer sun
Children at play
Laughter rings strong
The essence of life in everyone

Might I be brave, might I be forgiving
and forgiven when Autumn comes my way
Preparing for God’s feast
midst loved ones and family
Night surrenders to an endless joyful day

This is the season of our frailty
When flesh and spirit deem to part
Burdens uplifting
Rewards unfolding
Not an end but a glorious start

Had I the means to melt away the Winter
 It would truly not be done for myself
grief must be sustained
till endured and conquered
Then put away upon memory’s shelf

This is the season of shared restful hope
To be consoled and to provide consolation
Carrying the torch
fulfilling dreams
Binding the ties of each generation

If I could describe the rapture of Spring
Like melting snow are pain and strife
I am reborn
The undying spirit of love
Provides a new and perfect life

This is the season of resurrection and glory
Spring rains upon seeds newly planted
Mystery’s revealed
Fears reconciled
God’s promise of ecstasy granted

If I were to bestow a single message from my heart
to the grieving or those soon to grieve
Notice the Seasons
Their meaning
Is a beautiful reason to believe

These are the seasons of God’s blessed plan
and from them we find a pathway
Winter passes
Spring will emerge
As surely as night beckons day

Laugh as much as you breathe

and love as long as you live ( avec Dieu)

Travel Tips - 25

Morning Friend,

Having just returned from a trip abroad which required a goodly amount of air travel, I am inclined to share some "travel tips" which come to mind as an "interesting", and for you perhaps, "educational" topic of discussion today?

*If you've seen my pictures from the trip then you will have already "heard", a HALF MILLION words about my Barbados Adventure...at "a thousand words a picture" ! ( I believe the only one with someone "frowning" in it is the one of me about to leave for the airport. It's not so much of a "frown" as it is a "sorrowful cringe" ? )

Nevertheless I DID pick up some excellent "tips" for making the FLYING part of the journey a little "smoother" than it might otherwise have to be.

If you are afflicted with some pathological FEAR OF FLYING itself then I'll say right off these are LOGISTICAL suggestions, not THERPEUTIC exercises. Although by sparing you some of the anxiety attendant with the "little things" your flight involves, your fearful mind might be freed up to focus more exclusively on the "flaming fireball of your imminent demise" ?

So in that heartfelt spirit of benevolence, I present a few "TIM-TIPS for TERRIFIC TRAVEL"....or "MORE HOT AIR" from Ab.

- A journey of any type, requires energy, and a clear mind. As excited and anxious as you might be the night before leaving, you MUST sleep beforehand. Whether it takes an extra shot of brandy, a "sleep-eze" or a 10 mile run to get you there, it's important to start FRESH. Don't leave "details" like cleaning out the fridge or finding a cat-sitter for the last moments when you should be resting. ( You just might come home to find your fridge, and your apartment...smelling like "dead animal" ).

- My problem has always been "last minute packing"....I don't travel ENOUGH that I can simply throw my WORLD into a suitcase and not wonder if I've forgotten SOME essential to my well being that can't be purchased anywhere else on the planet. LISTS RULE in this regard, not only for remembering your essentials, but EXCLUDING unnecessary things you might hastily throw in during the last minute's mayhem, like a quart of milk....or the cat?

* even MASTER LISTMAKERS like myself have found something or two amiss in the past; like bringing 6 pairs of socks to the Caribbean when ONE is too many! However, I managed to get it just about perfect this time, so to be SURE, I made a list of every item as I UNPACKED it so next time I'll simply have to "re-assemble". Obviously this list is "tropic-specific" and would be useless in packing for a "NORTHERN WILDERNESS FLY-IN"...other than perhaps a little "Muskie Snorkeling"?

- Now that your WORLD is encased in "Samsonite", CUSTOMIZE it! It will soon enter a world of like-sized, like-colored CLONES that will eventually and hopefully, come hurtling from a shoot of darkness ( where they'll have been man-handled like competitively tossed dwarves), onto the "CAROUSEL OF CONFUSION" ! YOUR bag might come out with a host of others IDENTICAL.... in model, scuff marks and even the brand of packing tape holding it together!....but the colorful ribbons strips of cloth, or knitted "fobs" tied to the handle that you cleverly "customized" YOUR bag with, will make snagging it and being on your way like an "apple pick".

- I'm sure I don't have to tell YOU my friend about language etiquette in airports and words that are unspoken in them today, except by the truly stupid and/or drunk. ( or someone named "Joe Bomb of 911 Terrorist Lane"?). One of these words with a less "sinister" connotation, but which is no less extinct in airlines' lexicon is "FREE" , which is why I recommend packing a lunch and some snacks for the flight. Even if you're not planning to be hungry or you're too nervous as rule to eat on board, bring something FAVORITE of yours that you can't resist, be it beef jerky, cashews, or haggis-on-a-bun? ( a tin of sardines, garlic tarts, or anchovy pizza might not be the best ideas for reasons obvious). The idea is to keep your strength up, as mentioned, without alienating several hundred people at once.

- Further to the above, and if I might broach this as delicately as I can....depending on your own particular "digestive proclivities", it's probably best not to have a large meal within a time frame wherein you would find yourself "IN NEED" of the ablutionary facilities whilst aboard today's modern aircraft. Now perhaps it's just "me", at nearly 6 and half feet of mostly arms and legs that finds those places ergonomically prohibitive, but I'm here to tell you I'd have to have a real NEED to be able to wedge myself down on that little perch that had heretofore been RAINED upon by myself and other men of disturbed and errant "aim". Only the most turbulent of bowels are best served in the oft-hectic confines of a plane's washroom. ( this "Urbanly Mythic", "Mile High Club" is surely membered by contortionist MIDGETS !)

- Depending on your level of gregariousness, your flight can be either a terrific social opportunity, an enochlophobic nightmare, or simply a chance for some introspective enjoyment. It never hurts to introduce yourself to the folks who'll be sitting next to you for the next several hours, if for no other reason than to be able to "personalize" your interactions, as in "....sure I can let you up AGAIN "Mary"...and you're right, you DO have an overactive bladder!".....or "Sorry about that "Fred", my wife hates me drooling in my sleep too!"....or "No Jack you're not crowding me, for a guy 350 you're remarkably svelte!" I am, a good deal like my Dad ( who never met a "stranger" in his whole life), and as such I enjoy flying and the opportunity to meet new people. Aside from the staid businessmen and other "frequent flyers", most people you meet are on a JOURNEY or a MISSION of sorts and none too shy about sharing some interesting and enlightening tales. I've met some people who were measurably nervous about flying and idly chatting with someone who's obviously relaxed about the whole thing was appreciated. ( If the "idle chatter" starts turning into a "life's story", you can ever so GRACIOUSLY say, "You know "Phyllis", I've got a book report due on this Stephen King novel and I've still got about ohhh....'bout 500 pages to read yet ".

Air travel, especially GOING there, is always a small "highlight" to my Vacation. Like the "drive to the Lake" in summer, it's those exciting moments when you're "off work".... "on your way"...."outta Dodge"....."Party Time"!

Hopefully I've been able to make some aspects of YOUR next flight as smooth as the highway out of town, which incidentally, if you're one of those who is fearful of flying, is FAR more hazardous than the airways.

Your chances of being in a plane crash are 1 in 500,000 ( you're more likely to be MURDERED)....and statistically, you could be in about FIVE plane crashes before you WOULDN'T survive.

With odds like that and flights as cheap as they are, and with the Good Lord's ENTIRE and exquisitely gorgeous WORLD to experience, TRAVEL is a magnificent way to enhance your soul, breach your horizons, magnify your senses, captivate your imagination, enrich your mind, and "fill out your dance card"...with LIFE!

And when all is said and done I pray you're lucky enough as I, to have MILKED every joyous moment I could out of my destination so that when it was time to go I was able to agree with Judy Garland and say....

"There's no place like home!" ( in the summertime anyway...)

love tImMy:/

Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live ( above steerage)

The Choice -24

The Choice by Tim Lawrence

You know my Friend there’s prudence in an optimistic view
for dark imagined peril, has no place in life renewed

A soul aligned with fear has made a devastating pact
The role of anguished victim is an all consuming act

A heavy heart diminishes the beauty of the morn
A hopeless mind obscured by doubt is rakish weak and torn

Forgiveness is a sword that cleaves the darkness into day
And Faith a shield of Providence which holds despair at bay

The countenance of joy, tarries not in guilt and blame
The conscientiously happy suffers not the weight of shame

The pitfalls and the pratfalls are but pylons on our road
The weights and woes we face will make us stronger by the load

We are Warriors of our destiny and Guardians of our fate
To heal and bind anew is not an insubstantial trait

To draw upon the limitlessness of love within our hearts
Is to truly share the gift that each new blessed day imparts

For each sunrise holds a promise, each horizon’s new light, gold
The choice of dreams’ fulfillment... of ecstasy untold

Life’s greatest gift is Life itself, and the Power it entails
Our outlook is our choosing, and our option to prevail

This world is ever changing, its’ pace a mad turnstile
Yet time and space are no match for a shared and tender smile

So seize the dawning sunlight with every fiber of your soul
Make today your “day of days”, and a loving heart your goal

Make each day your marionette, and give to them your voice
Take a pass on pessimism and let rapture be your choice

When the curtain falls on your journey, be fulfilled with lessons learned
Choose a life of Peace and Glory; no regret, no stone unturned

If there’s a place for me in Heaven, I shall humbly share my worth
In the meantime I’ll be busy, having a Heavenly day on earth !


*With thanks to God, for TODAY, and the POWER to make it one of my choosing!
Love tImMy:/

Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live ( enthusiastically)