Always Christmas - #20

Morning Friend,

One of the most asked questions in the workplace today will be "How was your Christmas?"....the denouement if you will, of a fairly "hectic" month for many folks.

It's a natural and politely asked question, like "How was your vacation?" or "How did your surgery go?", not requiring any "in depth" or "blow by blow" description.

Other than really CLOSE friends, no one wants TOO much "information", especially about a surgical procedure or your "life changing" backpack excursion in the Himalayas?

A quick summary of food, family and perhaps a notable gift is all that's called for, because lets face it, the Party's over right?

Well, almost I suppose. There's still New Year's; the "opportunity" to mingle with a bunch of heavily drinking revelers - many of whom don't do so normally and are therefore quite "out of sorts", in a distressing and often obnoxious fashion.

Even in my drinking days, I was wise enough to stay clear of such over-hyped, over priced, over the top New Year's Eve GALAS, preferring instead more intimate gatherings in someone's home, surrounded by people I "knew".

At least I "knew" they could hold their liquor and weren't likely to be hitting on my date all night or planting kisses on every woman in sight at the stroke of midnight.

Such "amateur" drunks often end their nights with bloodied noses or worse, which is a good thing as it's probably nipped in the bud, any notions they might have had about "turning pro".

But because I tired of showing such tipsily wayward lotharios the error of their ways, AND because as a "professional" I had more intensely economical and controlled impairment in mind, the annual "Calendar Change - Let's Get Bent Fest" was always best spent with like-minded individuals.

But enough about the phenomenon of New Year's and its' attendant RESOLUTIONS. One can get drunk and make empty promises to themselves just as easily on July 31st as they can on the last day of December. ( and it doesn't cost $60 a couple !)

Today....when asked "How WAS my Christmas?" I intend to reply with a warm handshake or a hug and " I can't tell you because it's NOT OVER".

"Well...RIZDVOM KHRYSTOVYM! Merry Christmas Timmy!....I didn't know you were Ukrainian?", they may respond.

"No, despite my sinewy but rugged frame and chiseled Eastern-bloc features, I'm not Ukrainian, (Lithuanian/German ancestry actually), although if I was, it would have been nice to do all my Christmas shopping on Boxing Day and, I'd still have that feast of meatless dishes to look forward to next week?"

"Then what do you mean Christmas is not over?" they might ask hoping my response doesn't ebb into the dreaded realm of "too much information", such as a kaleidoscopically colorful post surgical infection or wonder if I've lost my mind and am still anxiously awaiting the "leaping lords, calling birds and milking maids" that the old "12 Day" song promises.

At this point I will shamelessly shill my blog, abstainersworld.blogspot.com in the hopes they might experience a similar catharsis that I did while writing recent installments regarding the SPIRIT of Christmas.

It's one thing to WRITE about love and sharing and peace and forgiveness and faith and good will, and quite another to PRACTICE them.

And it's one thing to display all these fine qualities in December, but what about the rest of the year?

Similarly, it's a fine idea to have RESOLUTIONS as the clock chimes on January 1st, but what happens when a life change becomes necessary in April or September?

I have learned a great deal about LIFE and CHOICES in the past few years.

Most importantly I've learned that God has given ME the power and the freedom to CHOOSE...the why-where-and WHEN, of my life's path.

The CALENDAR, like alcohol before it, will no longer be a determining factor in my behavior. ( except of course how much clothing to wear out of doors...and when to go work? )

I have decided to MAINTAIN the cherished Spirit of Christmas throughout the entire year and it's not nearly as DAUNTING a concept as you might think my friend. ( not NEARLY as difficult as say, losing weight or -sHudDeR- quitting smoking?)

- in January, the poor can still use a helping hand

- in February, a hug or warm handshake still "works"

- in March, a favor is always appreciated

- in April, Sunday Mass is as uplifting as any time

- in May, people like getting a gift for no reason at all

- in June, phone calls and mail maintain "togetherness"

- in July, self-evaluation and inventory are never out of season

- in August, volunteering is valuable and fulfilling

- in September, children's lives should be a DAILY delight

- in October, we all have a fence that needs "mending"

- in November, the World needs a strong reasoning voice

- in December, oh yeah...it's THAT time again!

My "drift" today is a sincere hope that when your tree comes down, you don't take down the facade of your Christmas Spirit with it....that the "party" might be over but the Lights in your heart remain burning bright....and that Christ's birth herald's YOUR call to share God's love in your life all year long.

Almost everyone has gotten some "bad Christmas gifts". ( can you say "chia-pet" ?)

But WHO, ever got a bad "gift" gift???

(Best of luck with your "resolutions"....my only suggestion on that front would be "one day at a time"....that way if you falter, you don't have to wait 11 months to try again.)

Da blagoslovit Vas Gospot!

love, tImMy:/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live." ( dobre)

Anniversary Song ( Push PLAY!)

You Whut!? - "I'd Say I Do" ( sound on)

Summer '08, love tImMy :)

Written and recorded at the "Topp" of the Bella Vista

Production and additional instrumentation, courtesy of Darren Duke Studios and You Whut!?

Visuals inspired and transpired courtesy of Grace and Jerry Lawrence. A Windows Movie Maker production

Functionality -19

Morning Friend,

The Festive Season provides many challenges and opportunities for people of all stripes, but none more so than the "functioning" alcoholic.

If you're not familiar with the "functioning" adjective as it pertains to alcoholics, I'll enlighten you from my own experience and perspective if I may?

The clichéd image of an alcoholic; unwashed and curled up in an alley semi-consciously swigging "Bingo" out of a brown paper bag, is a convenient and invaluable scapegoat to the "functioning" drunk, who considers himself a "better man" than the wino.

While he still holds on tenuously to his job, his home, his relationships, his finances, his dignity, AND can manage to get a drunken glow on every day, he certainly has the right to consider himself "better" than "some drunk on Main Street" !?

I certainly did....and was wrong.

A man plunging towards the depths of ruin is NO BETTER than one already there, he's just "running a little late".

And "running late" was just one of the many "hallmarks" of my days of "functioning".

Forever late was I for EVERYTHING from work, dates, appointments and opportunities, to even ( shudder) CLOSING TIME at the bar!

Now "lateness" is not the exclusive property of alcoholics but it IS reflective of ones' "functioning" nature because the alternative is to NOT SHOW UP AT ALL, which is not only NOT conducive to maintaining any long term relationships or careers, but is often the "stepping off point" to "dysfunctional alcoholism" and its' inherent and inevitable peril.

If I had been more prudent in my "functionality" I would have made extra efforts to NOT be late, and therefore avoid the spotlight on such "warning signs", but the insidiousness and exponentially destructive nature of the disease is that you gradually LOSE CONTROL, starting with the simplest things like hearing your alarm go off, until you eventually have no reason to own one.

"Thankfully", I discovered and embraced Christmas as a GOLDEN JUSTIFICATION for being absent, late, disheveled, forgetful, shaky, or even drunk at any and all hours of the day or night.

- Having a "Christmas DRINK" is a quaint Yuletide tradition that afforded me the justification for what would otherwise have been a "Tuesday DRINK" or a "Wednesday WHAT-THE-HELL", which sound far too "alcoholic" as opposed to "festive"?

- A PARTY was always the perfect opportunity to "free pour" my way into raucous oblivion in the guise of being filled with "Christmas Spirit".

- Three or more days off work consecutively was perfectly good reason to get "bent" at any time of the year, but during the Yuletide it's called "Making Merry".

- You don't "stop by" peoples houses or have visitors at this time of year without there being a "shot" of something offered.

- The "stress" of shopping ALWAYS called for a few "pops" to steel the nerves before heading to the mall, a "nip" in a nearby bar for sustenance when you're halfway done, and of course the celebratory "6 pack" when you're home and wrapping.

- Those darn "statutory" holidays were BLACK HOLES in my well functioned routine, which always meant stocking up on plenty of "Christmas Booze" so there was absolutely no risk of an unforgivable lapse in "jolliness"!

- The hangovers precipitated by the imbibement of the ARRAY of Seasonal Specialties like rum, brandy and wine IN ADDITION to my usual mandated intake of beer, were exquisite and extraordinary in their magnitude.

These "challenges and opportunities" ROBBED me of many Christmas memories my friend because, I can't remember them.

From my early to mid 20's on( when I became "fully functional"), most of my Christmases are drunken blurs. I might just as well have been curled up with a brown paper bag.

Oh I'm sure I wasn't stumbling around incontinent and incoherently blitzed, but when you're coming off a drunk, take REQUIRED PAUSES for things like an 8 hour shift or family Christmas gift opening, and then get drinking again at the first opportunity, you're not exactly SOAKING UP life and all its' beauty and majesty to the fullest.

I was functioning. The Birth of Christ...the love and fellowship of my family....the "Magic" of the season, all took a back seat to maintaining my functional level of inebriation....no "better", than ANY man.

I might just as well have been semi-conscious in an alley, WITHOUT all the "challenges and opportunities".

Which is why this Christmas I'll look not under the TREE for the "gift" which already dwells in my heart and mind.

I give thanks for it EVERY morning.

It is a daily reprieve and a gift from God.

It is the greatest gift I ever have or will receive, and I pray that SOMEONE; a lost soul in the street, a young person with difficulties, a heavy drinker who is finding it increasingly difficult to "function", may discover as I have that life is simpler....and sweeter....when you are FREE !

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live." ( Festively)

Yuletide Memories -18

Morning Friend,

First and foremost today, I'd like to send out heartfelt condolences and a prayer of comfort if you are like many for whom the joy and pageantry of the Christmas Season is tempered by the illness or loss of a loved one.

There are many "Christmases Past" that were NOT festive and joyous occasions, and in many instances a December tragedy may long tarnish the "Merriness" of Christmas.

In my case, we lost "Grampa" who was as much a traditional fixture sitting stoically beside the tree on Christmas morning, as the Angel majestically atop it.

My Dad always looked rather "stoic" himself, if not still slightly "buzzed" from his and Grampa's nocturnal Holiday imbibement. The sugarplum fairies that had danced in MY head all night appeared to have been a line of Chorus Girls in theirs?

I can say that now, having done a few Christmas Eve "all-niters" myself, and taking the "edge" off with a beer before gift-opening, but at the time my innocent eyes saw with the pure empathy of a child that "Dad and Grampa had trouble sleeping with Santa on his way TOO!!!.....I guess they're having a beer to celebrate that HE CAME!?"

But time passes, the family grows, and the melancholy associated with his absence is replaced by his legacy amongst my beloved Christmas memories.

Funny how the mind works....I have VAGUE recollections of those first few years that he WASN'T there on Christmas morning, but can still see those twinkling slate eyes, smell his Old Spice ( tinged with whiskey and tobacco), hear his quiet laugh and feel his warm strong hugs in my earliest memories.

I realize this "selectiveness of memory" is more the province of children and that "letting go" is daunting, especially at this intensely emotional time of year, but I've discovered that if you look at the MEANING behind the chaotic retail frenzy and logistical maelstrom, you will find a comforting and redemptive word in Christmas....CHRIST.

That word stands for many things to many people and for some, nothing at all, but even the most die hard atheist would be hard pressed to deny that there IS something extraordinary and magical about this "season of Christ", about CHRISTmas.

There is an "aura"; of friendliness, excitement and wonder...of compassion, consideration and generosity...of introspection, forgiveness and LOVE, that is "amped up" as it is at no other time of the year.

It is a "sprit" that pervades unilaterally across ALL religious, political and moral factions.

It is a "spirit" that can EASE the pain of a December 25th that might, for whatever reason, not be a particularly "happy" time in one's life.

To those for whom this Season comes with sadness, I pray you the strength to embrace this "spirit" of SHARING... this joyous commemoration of Christ's BIRTH...this celebration of LIFE and LOVE.

Not by what you receive, but by what you give.

Perhaps not under the tree, but in your heart.

Several years ago my Folks agreed I could have a friend from work spend Christmas with us.

He was sort of a "down-but-not-outer" with no family and would otherwise have spent Christmas alone in his hotel room with some reefer and a bottle.

"Santa", ( Mom's "storehouse of everything known to Mankind, and some yet to be identified" ), even brought old "Bob" some presents....socks and stuff.

That Christmas morning, with gleeful children frolicking at his feet, in the tears running out his blue eyes and down his scruffy smiling face, I saw my Grampa again.

I couldn't even tell you what ELSE I "got" that year.

God Bless us, Everyone. ( and thank you again, Mom and Dad !)

MERRY CHRISTMAS FRIEND!

love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live." ( Hallelujah!)

Powerful Music -17

Morning Friend,

If "classical" music has absolutely no interest or value to you, then my "Thought Train" will probably pass you by today.

However, if music GENERALLY has an influence in your life; whether as an exclamation point to your mood, as a background to relaxation or as a motivational tool, then by all means, CLIMB ABOARD!

If you're a musical "fanatic" like myself who has music "ON" all the time, ( either physically or "in my head") then you are already aboard and will likely be nodding agreeably as you read, or else nodding to the beat of something on YOUR Monday "playlist".

Since my Monday mornings have now become Creative Writing adventures, my playlist often includes music that has been SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN to stimulate LEFT BRAIN ACTIVITY.

Scientists have proven the stimulative merits of music not only for creative inspiration, but for enhanced learning capability ( a "study aid" if you will ), and for the treatment of cognitive impairment as well.

Several studies even identified certain TYPES of music for their "brain-friendliness", with "classical" - specifically "baroque"- as the genre of choice.

HOW music written in the 16th to 19th centuries by such wondrously gifted geniuses as Bach, Correlli, Vivaldi, Mozart, et al...can have such a profound effect on the 21st Century's Stainer, Lawrence, Dandy, etc. is a mystery???

But speaking for myself/we, as I can only do... it DOES work.

I can't say what it does for the QUALITY of the writing, but there has been a few "magical" occasions where a stanza or two of the "Four Seasons" has BULLDOZED a case of creative impediment or when a harpsichord sonata will trigger the filling of a dauntingly empty page by a previously empty head.

Like "magic" you say?

Well, as one who has witnessed music's "magical power", from the delighted dancing of children, to the energetic life-force of teens, to the backdrop of love and romance, to the connective link in the mentally challenged, to the kindling of joyous memories in the aged, and the comforting refrain to the dying, I have no difficulty in describing its' role in my own creative process as WONDEROUSLY MAGICAL !

Today my friend, I'd like to share a TRADE SECRET! - a particular favorite tune of mine which I have found unerringly efficient in kick-starting the old left brain and which has become MONDAY MUSING's unofficial SOUNDTRACK.

You won't hear this song; on someone's boom box at the beach, roaring out of a gang-banger's car stereo, or echoing loudly out a drunken house party at three in the morning, but if it's playing at my house....there's some "writing" afoot.

It is Ludwig von Beethoven's Piano Concerto #5 in E flat major. In October 2007, this concerto was voted listeners' favorite in the ABC Classic FM Classic 100 Concert Poll.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45rmSAMo_Ig&NR=1

Now I know I'm treading into the "grey area" of subjectivity here and this particular "tune" may simply "inspire" some people to go to sleep, ( at which it is also quite effective in doing).

You may already have a favorite song or genre of music which enervates your cerebral motor and if so, all the power to you.

Music with LYRICS is quite difficult to WRITE to, so I do recommend INSTRUMENTALS, or music in which you can't understand or comprehend the lyrics such as OPERA, or Bob Dylan?

I've certainly discovered that the old Train of Thought, indeed LIFE in general, rolls easier with a "musical" Conductor.

Love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe

and love as long as you live." ( in harmony)

Gift Gathering 101 #16

Morning Friend,

If you happen to be one of "those", whose Yuletide gifts were bought and wrapped last summer, then this Monday's offering will be of no interest to you. ( You can go back to pre-planning your funeral, making lunches for the WEEK, brushing and flossing BEFORE breakfast, color coordinating your sock drawer, or whatever else engages your Psychotically Proactive mind?).

The rest of us ill-bred, unprepared, "unwashed minions" have to start strategizing, for December is upon us and the RUSH is officially....ON.

The "season of giving" wouldn't have to be such a "rush" if the "giving" didn't specifically involve so much "buying".

If the gift of YOURSELF could only be as cherished as a purchased and wrapped present then we'd all be done and cooled.

A shave, shower and a "Jimmy Stewart" haircut and I'd be good-to-go on Christmas morn'.

"Need help carrying in your presents Uncle Tim?", asks an expectant niece upon my glowing arrival on "the Morn".

"Nope. Not this year. I'm giving you all the gift of MYSELF! Who wants a hug?"

* insert stunned silence

** insert whispered "oh oh....he's drinking again!"

A fine theoretical notion indeed if one aspires to the "black sheep" rung of familial hierarchy. ( not to mention the certainty of inter-relational peril i.e. permanent bachelorhood)

I daresay that unless you are Lazarus back from the grave or can pull Bratz and Wii's and Chia-pets out of your hat ala Blackstone Jr., you're going to have to show up with something OTHER than your own smiling visage.

Handicrafts are a terrific alternative to BUYING, and make dandy, personalized gifts, but at this late stage in the game are not a viable option even for the craftiest of artisans - which I, am pitifully, not.

I am "craft challenged" or "handi-crapped" you might say? I DID take on a project one autumn, leaving me three month window in anticipation of snags along the way and it STILL sits, years later...unfinished and unappreciated....a Nativity Scene made from empty toothpaste tubes, bicycle spokes and Smarties. ( I realize they never end up looking EXACTLY like the picture in the magazine but mine looks more like an Armageddon Scene than a manger outside of Bethlehem? )

So with home-made gifts and hair-brained notions OUT, that means it's time to get IN, the stores. With Sunday shopping now, that means a full 24 days are left for the "rush"....PLENTY of time.

I won't get into a diatribe against giving money or gift certificates as the "easy way out", except to quote from my wise and all-knowing Mom who says, "...a gift, ANY gift...shows that you at least took the time, for whatever time it takes, and THOUGHT about that person...".

There are some logistical circumstances where actual PRESENTS are not an option, so a check or gift card is fine, but a GIFT, thoughtfully purchased (though haphazardly wrapped as in my case), is like a message of true consideration and love, that evokes sentiments of gratitude and wonder!......"Oh what a nice scarf, Thank You!" ( purple and green???....is he DRINKING again?)

So bear up my friend, make your list and set aside some "shopping time" in the next few weeks.

Yes the stores are a little more crowded and the lines can get long, but the stuffy air has a delightful undertone of evergreen and perfume testers.

Yes there's a certain headache inducing din of rolling carts, tantrumming children and calls for "price check on aisle 37", but the usually inane overhead Muzak is replaced by beloved and comforting strains of classic Carols.

Yes your feet will ache, a snack in the "Food-ateria" will sit like a brick in your stomach and the strategic placement of the washrooms will test your bladder's endurance mightily, but each stroke of a name off your list lifts you higher and higher off this earthly mall-strewn plain towards that place of honor, achievement and glory, (where only the truly disturbed have been since July) , where you will be DONE!

The "rush" will be over and you can perhaps have some time to ponder about the REAL reason for it all?

Speaking of which....if you have any empty toothpaste tubes that you haven't thrown out yet?.....

Love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live." (in the Express lane)

Bad Drivers - 15

Morning Friend,

Have you ever been blatantly cut off in traffic by someone who didn't use their signal, didn't shoulder check, and in fact seemed completely oblivious to the fact that if not for your own innate stunt-driving skill, ( which enabled you to flip your vehicle up onto two wheels and avoid them), a collision would have occurred?

In the initial aftermath of such near misses, I used to find myself in a fit of pure rage.

Driving a car on two wheels plays havoc with the alignment, not to mention the passengers in your car pool who, even if they were "buckled up", just survived an unexpected "amusement park-esque" thrill involving ear-splitting tire screeches, stomach-heaving "G" forces, and a heart-stopping melee of flying travel cups.

And if this wasn't upsetting to them enough, their small comfort at having just survived a scene from Die Hard, is short-lived as the fear-sizzled air around them fills with their wild-eyed driver's maniacal shrieks of outrage and vengeance towards the unwary perpetrator of the near miss. ( whose "parentage", is now identified as some freakish bi-product of animal husbandry )

It is at this point that some of these "near accidents" have the potential to turn into violent "incidents" of what is known as "road rage"....where one driver feels the need to inflict retaliatory punishment upon another who's deemed to be lacking in certain fundamental attributes.

In MOST cases, cooler heads prevail and an exchange of unpleasantries and one-finger salutes marks the end of it.

When it's 40 below outside, ( as it's soon to be for several months in this part of the world), no one other than the EXCEPTIONALLY ROAD-RAGED want to get outside their warm vehicles to administer and perhaps even exchange blows.

Not to mention the fact the other vehicle's frosted up windows may conceal a car-load of maniacal knife-toting thugs or a team of newly emigrated Algerian Ultimate Fighters?

Violence, is never the answer in ANY season and especially over something as insignificant as a vehicle or as unavoidable as bad drivers.

The idea of beating someone up, ( or TAKING a good thumping) and the inherent legal, medical and personal costs "because your car got damaged" is ludicrous enough, but the idea that you can instill good driving ability, teach pleasing social skills, and demonstrate heartfelt care,consideration and humanity to another person by raining punches on them is completely illogical.

The sad truth of the matter is that the person who didn't use their turn signal, NEVER uses it......

never uses their rear-view mirror except to apply makeup

never shoulder checks

never follows at a safe distance

never turns into or out of the proper lane

never "drives to road conditions"

NEVER should have received a Driver's License !

Whether through incompetence, impairment, laziness or ignorance ( they just don't KNOW any better), at LEAST 50% of drivers on the road today are BAD drivers. It's a simple as that.

Unfortunate to say but YOU, my friend, have perhaps unknowingly developed some bad driving HABITS which qualify you in that percentile, and I daresay are at risk of getting "popped in the beak" by some rabid commuter one day.

But because I have become fully AWARE of the number of people who are actually licensed to drive; who are actually DRIVING when they have absolutely no business doing so, it won't be ME getting all "raged up" over dings, fender benders and near misses.

When I do drive ( or especially while cycling), I use that awareness to my advantage by anticipating at all times....the unexpected, the unnatural, the idiotic, the ignorant, the aggressive, the mindless and dangerous antics of BAD drivers.

It's all about "survival", "acceptance" and one of my all time favorite and USEFUL prayers.

(with apologies to the author)

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the fact that the roadways are fraught with dangers out of my control, the courage to drive/ride as defensively and courteously as I can, and the wisdom to WALK whenever possible."

Love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live." ( between the curbs)

You'd WHUT!? "I'd Say I Do"

A few "beams" of the Good Lord's Light!

50th Anniversary SONG

Fishing for GOLD !

Reliabiltiy -14

17/11/08

Morning Friend,

I'm writing this morning's edition, Sunday evening so I can get it out "as promised" on Monday.

Up until this point, I've offered Monday Musings as exactly that....an unrehearsed, mental "snap shot" of my particular state of mind and perspective upon waking on Monday morning. ( which is usually around 07:00, and that gives me the required 4-5 hours I need before the NOON deadline ).

Why the NOON deadline you might ask?

Well, noon till 2 is "nap time" and that's all related to working "evenings" and being "fortyish" and other significant variables in the life of someone in the process of re-defining themselves as they try and absorb as much of a newly discovered way of living as possible.

In short, my days are FULL of life, and an afternoon "cat nap" gives me the extra energy I need to fulfill the PROMISES I make....like "musings".... ON..... Monday!

But WHO, did I make this promise to, you might ask?

To MYSELF, is the answer, and THAT is what I mean by "re-defining".

A few short years ago own "definition" used to read:

TIM - (proper noun); lackadaisical, indifferent, selfish, unreliable, apathetic, procrastinatory, well-meaning, listless, untrustworthy, undignified

(adverb); impaired, ex: " He was TIM drunk"

Not a very pleasing adjectival collage to be sure, but the only ones that are PERMANENT are those etched on one's tombstone I daresay, so I'm on a bit of a "mission" these days with a blueprint of some basic living principles and the Good Lord's guidance to try and clean that mess up if I can.

In my humble opinion, the foundation of a life worth living is DIGNITY - or as the dictionary calls it, "the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect".

Dignity however is like a "good credit rating" - once lost...EXTREMELY difficult to recover.

The cornerstone I'm attempting to re-build around is about TRUST:

- Am I TRUTHFUL?

- Can I be COUNTED on?

- Am I RELIABLE?

- Do I fulfill my PROMISES?

- Is my word SOLID?

- Am I "worthy of esteem or respect" ???

A daunting set of questions indeed, but infinitely revealing as a measure of one's trustworthiness and level of dignity. When the answers are all "NO", as they were in my case, my "credit rating" was wavering somewhere between a snake's belly in a wagon rut, and a well digger's boots?

When you're that low, you can't even trust yourself.

And that's where you start.

Fourteen weeks ago I promised MYSELF that I would write "something" EVERY Monday. I've been rolling along pretty well until I realized I'd made a commitment to work for my brother tomorrow morning.

As resourceful as he is, my brother cannot carry a furnace by himself so I'm going to work for him tomorrow as promised. He is one of a fast-growing legion of friends and family who are starting to BELIEVE me again.

When the answers to those aforementioned tough questions are starting to come up "YES"....when you wake up each morning and say "THANK YOU GOD!" instead of "HELP ME GOD".....when your formerly HEAVY heart now SOARS like a bright kite with you in tow....then dear friend, the foundation is starting to take shape.

And as I glance at the clock and see that it's past midnight, I suppose I'll just have to say in my own inimitable, unparalleled, incomparable and DIGNFIED way......"Morning Friend".

Love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live." *( and nap when you can?)

Remembrance -13

10/11/08

Morning Friend,

I am neither a historian nor a military tactician.

Most of what I comprehend about my country's role in liberating Europe, and ultimately the entire world from the Nazi menace, comes from grainy footage of the Normandy assaults in June of 1944.

I assume that landing thousands of soldiers on fortified beaches was the best tactic for the time and situation, based on the fact it was "successful".

I also assume that the incredible loss of life - especially suffered by the very first boatloads of young men leading the charge into a shooting gallery - was considered an "acceptable and necessary cost".

What I CAN'T assume, is that I might be as unimaginably brave as those young men in those extraordinary circumstances?

As one who questions EVERYTHING, I most probably would be classified "unfit" for military service in the first place....likely classified "CPB1" ( a first class pain in the butt ).

But if they were desperate to fill every seat on a landing craft, and confident that my incessant "whining" couldn't be heard over the roar of the sea and the thunder of artillery fire, then I might well have found myself bobbing sickly through the black icy chop of the English Channel, longing for the more familiar waves of Prairie Grain, the comfort of my mother's arms and the sweet laughter of my best gal.

And as the flash of machine gun fire appeared from the hills overlooking the approaching and exploding beach, my "questioning mind" would undoubtedly be in overdrive:

-I'm supposing the time for "discussion" is over?

-How long before those guys run out of bullets...or their trigger fingers cramp up?

-Is our "armada" impressive and fearsome enough that we might see the enemy run up a white flag any time soon?

-Do we have enough guys because the only "dents" we've made on the beach so far are from fallen bodies?

-What on earth have I gotten myself into here?

-Can I speak to you for a moment God?

-Am I BRAVE today?

More so than for their monumental historical significance, the chilling images of D-Day newsreels always invoke such imaginings of my own limits of endurance and courage......

Could I slog headlong into a maelstrom of sniper fire, shrapnel and spilled blood; on a "fear/adrenalin/faith in God" rush, stumbling over the bodies of fallen brothers and friends, toward my uncertain but probable death?

I honestly don't know. My courage has not been tested even remotely to that degree, nor is it likely to be so in my lifetime.

I don't know, and I don't ever want to know.

Because of those whose remarkable bravery transcended fear, whose profound faith conquered evil, whose indomitable courage overcame adversity, and whose intrepid valor won the exquisite FREEDOM that we so cherish today, I don't have to know.

Lest We Forget. ( Please support and pray for our troops who are yet in peril today )

Love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live....*FREE"

Something's Funny -12

03/11/08

Morning Friend,

No one enjoys a good joke as much as I do.

I've heard and told thousands in my life and with the aid of some surreptitious crib notes, I could probably fill a "set" at a comedy club if I was of a mind.

I have a serious performance flaw however that stands in the way of a such a career change at the present time - I laugh at my own jokes...often as "heartily", and sometimes MORE so than my audience?

I've seen some professionals get away with a snicker or two in the midst of a particularly hilarious delivery, but as for myself, if the joke is REALLY funny, I sometimes barely choke the punchline out before I'm howling and the tears are rolling down my face. ( and this could be the 99th time I've told the joke ! )

I can "deadpan" with the best of them and roll through the STORY like a silver-tongued thespian - painting dramatic and kaleidoscopic word pictures that make the listener feel like they're actually RIGHT THERE -"...in the smoky bar...beside the nun and the talking monkey...while two Irishmen and a prostitute ask the one-armed piano player to let the gay Cowboy and his singing rooster play a number...." - but once I approach the coup de gras I start to lose it....a smile appears at the corner of my mouth, my cadence starts to sputter, the eyes twinkle, and it's all over....I've slayed MYSELF again!

This is all fine and well if the joke IS as good as I seem to think it is, and it usually is. Although there HAS been the "odd" awkward moment when I'm the ONLY one laughing, which I suppose would stand me in good stead were I ever to find myself stranded on a desert isle or locked away in a mental institution?

Were it to be the NORM however, I don't think people would be quite as persistent as they presently are with, "Have you heard any good ones lately Tim?"

Those that do KNOW me though, know that the harder the time I have getting THROUGH a joke, the FUNNIER it is likelier to be. ( there!...now I've given away one of my "secrets"? HA! )

Nevertheless, Lord knows there's precious enough humor in the world today and always room for another "amateur" comedian.

But ALL Merchants of Mirth, be they Pros, or moderately infamous "joke-of-the-day" stiffs like myself, adhere to CARDINAL RULE OF COMEDY.....that being, "Know Thy Audience"!

Unless you're Don Rickles, whose "shtick" was offending people, it's always a good idea to scan the demographics of those within earshot before LAUNCHING into the limelight. ( The "boys in the plant" don't want to hear "...why was 6 afraid of 7...", and the "secretarial pool" won't be thrilled by "...the three breasted eye doctor who..."). *I think you get my point?

Like it or not, this is the age where even "political correctness" has to be "politically correct", and an egregious lapse in sensitivity can turn a "jocular jokester" into a "pulverized pariah" as quick as a groan after a bad pun.

The "twisted fate" of your story's tragic hero might be enviable in comparison to the outraged punch in the nose you receive for your performance?

It has been said, and I would agree that there is an "art" to joke telling...a "gift", if you will. If that's the case then it's just ANOTHER of MANY I have the Good Lord to be thankful for, and one I don't mind sharing in the least.

I used to laugh in THE FACE of adversity. Nowadays I prefer to laugh IN LIEU of it.

It's good to be happy again.

It's good to hear those words, "Have you heard any good ones lately?"

And it's GOOD to be laughing and to HEAR laughter.

Even IF, sometimes it's just me. :)

Love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live." (with fresh material)

Poetic Winter -11

27/10/08

Morning Friend,

"I awoke this morn to a frosty sight

one I'll say I hardly like

ICY STREETS have appeared like blight

time to break out the WINTER bike ! "

With apologies to REAL poets, like Tennyson, Yeats, and P. Diddy?...I've attempted a "poetic" introduction to today's Musing.

Certainly there have been endless REAMS of literature - "odes", "epics", "haikus" and "limericks"- dedicated to the theme of the changing seasons.

And understandably so I'd say, since the WEATHER's influence on POETS, is quite as significant as it is on everyday COMMUTERS....just not as "flowery" perhaps?

Then again since many of the "great" poets never realized fame until after their demise, it's a wonder there aren't more poems about "getting to work in lousy weather"?

My mind fairly "blusters" with the climatological commuting kaleidoscopes of rhyming octets which SURELY must be hidden away in some dusty attic of the houses where E.B. White, Walt Whitman, or Edgar Allen Poe once pondered the "reasonableness of a toque" over the "aesthetics of a jaunty cap" while preparing to head out to work on a nasty day?

" Have I plugged thee in, wretched vehicle of mine?

for tis 40 below and my block heater's fine. "

" Sweet 'ere the Springtime, upon memory's plate

now tis cold as the dickens, and I'm running late."

" Do not go gentle into that cold dim light

without extra mittens and scarf wound up tight."

" Alas poor frozen toes, I knew them well

like the bus schedule"

" A shovel, a shovel,

my Kingdom for a snowblower "

Obviously, such "poetry" would never gain renown even LONG after its' author's "sad" demise. ( can you say "merciful" ? )

BUT....if some of the GREAT poets had commuted to work year round by bicycle as I do, they would have availed themselves of a rich, healthful, adventurous, satisfying and stimulating source of inspiration and overall contentment, ( As opposed to the drudgerous "Zombie-Lurch" that gets most people through their appointed rounds in bad weather).

Yes, I'm one of THOSE people that ride in the Winter. Unfortunately, among THOSE people, are many idiots whose reckless disregard for the rules of the road - and others in general - have given us ALL a bad reputation. But as one who rides prudently, safely and considerately, I'll never drive or ride the bus to work again unless and until circumstances, such as a blizzard or a debilitating injury force me to.

I won't use up a whole "Musing" explaining the rules of COMPETENCE, CLOTHING and CAUTION that go into winter riding. There are a plethora of reasons why it's not for everyone. I might never even have STARTED had I not lost my license? ( for impaired driving....again, a whole OTHER "Musing" ? ).

But I will say....

"O'er the frozen road I roll, oblivious to the gas price toll.

Change for the bus I have exact, in the bank it sits intact

I leave when I am ready to go, unfazed by traffic's ebb and flow

The crispy air exhilarates, my cardiovascular is first rate

No stinky bus or smoky sedan, no frozen toes or parking plan

Environmentally I'm sound, endorphin fueled and Heaven bound! "

I know.

It's not very poetic.

But it IS poetry.

Love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

numbers 1 - 10

***AUG. 18th (#1)

Good morning Friend,

I used to "hurt" on Monday mornings ( through no small wounds of my own infliction mind you), but you may well NOT have overly imbibed yourself - yet are simply feeling "blue" because the weekend is over and your heart and mind are still "at the lake"?

Unfortunately you have set yourself up for this "Monday Misery" by focusing on the weekend as your "be all and end all source of happiness"....your "escape from drudgery" as it were.

You are the victim of what I call a "peaks and valleys" lifestyle - where your moods and attitudes are all over the map based simply on WHAT DAY OF THE WEEK it is! You have LOST CONTROL of your ability to be happy whenever the heck you FEEL like being so! ( and doesn't that seem a bit ridiculous considering your brain is THE most POWERFUL NATURAL SENSORY AND EMOTIONAL DATA PROCESSING SYSTEM IN THE UNIVERSE! )

In other words, you are feeling exactly how you CHOOSE to feel today. You are not "Monday Blue" BECAUSE it's Monday....you probably went to bed last night with a "blues band" already "warming up" in your subconscious ! Your "slide" from the weekend "high" probably began Sunday morning already ?

There are those too whose weekend "high" turned out disappointing for one reason or another but because they RELY so heavily on that PEAK in their weekly lives, the disappointment became DISASTROUS...once again because they ALLOWED it be so. For these poor souls, the VALLEY of the working week is now a RAVINE ! ( NEXT weekend's "PEAK agenda" is going to have to include a Space Shuttle ride at the very least to qualify as a "high" ???)

What I'm getting at here my friend is offering you something I've discovered about "peace of mind".

God has surrounded you with blessings and beauty and a POWERFUL tool with which to process and appreciate them - your MIND.

- FORGET, what day of the week it is. ( it is TODAY, that's all you need to know ).

- Take a DEEP ( sweet) breath as you COUNT EACH THING you have to be THANKFUL for in your life. ( stop after about TEN before you hyperventilate !)

- COMPLIMENT the next person you see ( you'll think of SOMETHING! ), and enjoy the warmth you create.

- USE the immeasurable POWER of your MIND to make EVERY day of your life a LUSH ROLLING PLATEAU of PEACE AND LOVE.

- DON'T allow the CALENDAR to ROB you of precious days of joy because odds are, you'll be BURIED on a WEEKEND ! ( I daresay it wouldn't do to have had a "bad week" previous ? )

Love tImMy :/ 1155

p.s. If the "peaks and valleys" of your life are the result of drugs and alcohol ( as mine once was), then you are TRULY missing out on a good thing. You are DISTORTING and WASTING something so fragile and wonderful and finite, that when it slips at long last though your trembling fingertips your last drunken "peak" will seem like an 'apple box' and the "valley" into which you descend will be a bitter and endless chasm of despair. May God help you.

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***AUG. 25th (#2)

Morning Friend,

Of the thousands of patients I cared for over the years on Palliative Care at St. B, there are certainly a few who made a lasting impression on me.

One gentleman whom I will always remember was a highly "successful" businessman who found himself stricken with a terminal illness in his late 50's.

Unlike MOST of my patients, at that late stage in their "battle", this fellow was remarkably lucid and mentally sharp. ( the ravages of the disease and the side effects of narcotics often make one's last days delusionary and quite drowsy ).

While soaking in the tub one morning, the man said to me, "I finally have everything I've worked my whole life for - 20 hours days mostly - a beautiful house in Tuxedo, the nicest vehicles, a cabin and a cruiser on West Hawk Lake, my own business.....and you know I would trade IT ALL....for ONE MORE YEAR of LIFE ! "

I don't think he was expecting me to respond with some "insightful nugget of wisdom". He was basically looking heavenward and speaking almost "beseechingly". His message was heard by your truly nevertheless - LOUD and CLEAR!

Your health is THE most important thing you possess. Without it, NOTHING...."things, stuff and trinkets"....mean a darn thing.

So LOOK AFTER YOURSELF today and every day. Treat your body like a temple - not an amusement park. Your heart and lungs are the "machine" of your existence and they need proper maintenance. ( and like any machine, the older they get the MORE careful maintenance and care they require ).

If you're not in shape, GET THERE. I always say it's far easier to STAY in SHAPE than to GET in SHAPE!

And PLEASE try and find a "balance" in your life between WORK and PLAY. DON'T work every second of your life with a view towards spending a "leisurely retirement" because you may never make it ! People who live "exemplary" lives in terms of "healthy living" are STILL tragically stricken by disease every day due to nothing they are "guilty" of other than a genetic pre-disposition?

May you find the ECSTATIC JOY in TODAY that I have discovered, knowing that I have the Good Lord as my friend and advisor, and I have my health, I am AS WEALTHY TODAY AS I WILL EVER BE !

The gentleman I mentioned earlier - who I'm proud to have called my friend for a short time - died 10 days later.

Love tImMy

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***SEPT. 2nd (#3)

Morning Friend,

I'll be the first person to say that there's nothing worse than a KNOW IT ALL, preaching to anyone who will listen to "repent now for the end is near", and "if I can do it, ANYONE can do it!", or perhaps the worst....."For your own sake you SHOULD do this! ".

( if anyone has gotten that impression from "Monday Musings" - and if you haven't already "deleted" without reading this far - please allow me to clarify. )

The most well meaning and intelligent of people, make mistakes. Of these, the MOST intelligent tend to learn from their errant ways and not repeat them. And, out this learned group of "survivors" comes a "benevolent few" who choose to SHARE their experiences and the inherent lessons therein.

By "share", I mean "take it or leave it". My life is hardly exemplary based on any great "achievements" other than the fact that I finally realized what a "mistake" my alcoholic lifestyle had been and - with the love of my family and FAITH in the Good Lord - I've discovered a different focus and priorities that work, FOR ME.

"Monday Musings" is not a "boo-hoo" attempt to say "don't drink too much kids cause good old Uncle Ab wasted 25 years of his life 'boozing' !!!! ". I would not dare insult your intelligence my friend....

Do you really need a guy with one eye to tell you not to "run with scissors"?

Do you need the guy on death row to tell you "Jesus Saves" ?

Do you need the guy dying of lung cancer to tell you that smoking is bad for you?

You DON'T need me to tell you that getting drunk every day is not a good thing either ! ( Thankfully, the VAST MAJORITY of people have no problems whatsoever with alcohol and can "take it or leave it" at will. )

What I hope to convey through my limited - if none too colloquial - ability to share, is a renewed sense of discovering how powerful is our God-given ability to be truly happy....to stand each day upon a MOUNTAIN of JOY - of our own making - and look down into the VALLEY OF OPPORTUNITY that each day avails us, and CHART the COURSE of OUR OWN CHOOSING!

If you are not happy today my friend I would suggest that there is a REASON for your unhappiness. If it is the result of a physical impairment beyond medical intervention than my heart and prayers go out to you. You should know that there is still peace and comfort to be found in the bleakest of circumstance, so long as you have HOPE and believe that miracles can and DO happen every day.

If your unhappiness is the result of "circumstances" - an addiction, a bad relationship, a lousy job, an unsatisfying situation - than YOU have the SOLUTION already......CHANGE it....TODAY! ( not tomorrow. ) The "change" itself might not happen in one day, and may in fact take years. But the FACT that you have DECIDED to take CONTROL and forge a happiness of your OWN MAKING will in itself become a SOURCE of supreme and satisfying DELIGHT! Remember that NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE that YOU have DECIDED it NOT TO BE!!!!!!

Speaking from personal experience....getting drunk every day made me unhappy. I STOPPED doing so and now I am happy. ( VERY much so in fact! ) It really turned out to be a simple as that.

I don't "run with scissors" either but then again you probably don't yourself?

Love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***SEPT. 9th (#4)

Morning Friend,

Not being possessed of "natural good looks" , I have perhaps spent more time and energy than the average bloke on grooming. ( We've all known a "ruggedly handsome" fellow in our lives with the thick curly hair that looks BETTER out of the sack first thing in the morning than he does all day....that's NOT me! My hair in the morning is more likely to attract the attention of "nesting crows" than "ovulating women" ! )

The exception being my Senior High School year where I attended an "all boys school", in which case; if your tie was "semi" done up - and there was no identifiable food items on it - you were O.K.

Your suit could look "slept in" so long as it had been a "restful one". And as for your hair, a quick run through with a greasy hand covered in toast crumbs, a garden rake, or a pork chop bone in the car on the way and you were Good to Go!

There were of course a FEW lads who showed up daily at St. Paul's High looking quite "spiff and dandy" , and all I can say about that in retrospect is "Not that there's anything wrong with that?"

From my experience, not having to focus on my appearance, as opposed to what my Homework "looked like", made the school year more of an Academic challenge than an audition for Beverly Hills 90210 ?

There was nobody goofing off in class trying to "impress the girls". ( as I had personally developed into an "art form" in previous Public School classrooms).

There were certainly no after school brawls in defense of some young lady's honor, since there WERE no ladies, honorable or otherwise.

Those who "stood out" , did so through scholastic and athletic MERIT. It was "cool" to be brilliant and "toughness" was measured on the field of play.

It was NOT "cool" to be insolent or disrespectful and the so called knife-wielding "toughs" in today's public schools are "spineless panty-waists" by comparison.

Now before you think I'm going on a "diatribe" on the educational system, STOP ! This is about a lesson I learned regarding SUBSTANCE vs. STYLE....about circumstances in life where a "bad hair" day is inconsequential, so long as you're having a "good character" day !

I have the great privilege and honor of babysitting three wonderful nieces now and then. The innocently unfettered and sublimely objective perceptions of children are the TRUE measure of the depth and sincerity of ones' character.

When they are in MY CARE, they CARE NOT about the crows nesting atop my mangled hair, the smell of the 99 cent a gallon after shave I wear, or the fact my clothes are a nightmarish fashion "olio" !

What they SEE and KNOW in their fragile and trusting hearts is a GOOD and KIND "Uncle Tim" who is there to protect and entertain and guide and look after them.

I learn from them, as I did in Grade 12, and as I discover in daily life...a well groomed SOUL, is the FOUNDATION of TRUE BEAUTY !

And when they're older, they will likely have much to offer in the ways of my "fashion sense"....not that there would be anything wrong with THAT ?

Love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***Sept. 16th (#5)

Morning Friend,

One of my favorite jokes of all time ( and I happen to know one or two...), goes like this....

A man suffering from depression is visiting a shrink. The man's file reveals that he presently works in the Circus cleaning up behind the elephants with a shovel and wheelbarrow.

"I think I might have a clue as to the source of your depression," the psychiatrist says, "but you're in luck because a friend of mine is opening a manufacturing plant in town and he's in need of a hundred laborers. With my recommendation you could have yourself a NEW job next week!"

Incredulously, the man says, "WHAT? and leave SHOW BUSINESS !?"

Where the psychiatrist erred in this instance was by ASSUMPTION - and it was certainly an honest mistake given that because we spend so much of our lifetime at "work" - a third or more - our general "state of mind" is often linked to our occupations...rightly or wrongly, as in the case of our "Elephant Maintenance PERFORMER".

In all likelihood, his depression could be the result of a change in the elephants' diet? Or the Bearded Lady he has had a crush my have run off with a depilatory cream salesman? Or his "serious" nature is holding him back from a lateral move into "Clowning"?

The important thing for the "Elephant Guy" is his PERCEPTION of where he is in life....the bright lights, the adoring crowds, the excitement... of "Show Business".

And when you think about it, this man is actually an INTREGAL COG in the quality and smooth running efficiency of the overall performance.

The Show would be very likely "bogged down" if he were to lapse in his duties - from the hazardous ground, UP, to the noxious air space of the trapeze - the Show, couldn't GO ON without him? ( at least not past the first few "movements" anyway....)

One of the reasons I like this joke so much is because I LIKE the "Elephant Guy".

- He's depressed yes but not afraid to seek help for it.

- He's hard working and not afraid of a little "dirty" work.

- He's a "common sense" kind of guy - knows well enough not to put the "cart before the elephant".

- He can appreciate the "glamour" without the associated risks of say, Lion Taming?

- He sees life's BIG PICTURE with himself playing a ROLE -i.e. FIRST SHOVEL - in a job he does well and takes pride in.

Many of us are not presently in what could be called "DREAM JOBS", ( i.e. something you would do for FREE cause it's so fun and fulfilling?).

Most of us probably consider ourselves "over-qualified" for the work we do.

ALL of us should be nevertheless extremely proud of our sincere and conscientious contributions to whatever BUSINESS we are in whether it be "SHOW", "COMMERCE", "EDUCATION", "HEALTH CARE", "TEMPORARY".... "TRANSITIONAL"....or "CAREER" ?

When you Answer the Bell every workday to support yourself and/or your family, you are worthy of every dignity and the utmost respect and appreciation, Society has to offer. I SALUTE you.

Your Show ALWAYS goes on even when your wheelbarrow tire is low on air and the only shovel left is the short-handled one ! ( Even when some fool has fed "Beef-a-Roni" to the elephants !? )

If, however you find yourself in need of a change, there's likely a psychiatrist somewhere who has a friend opening up a factory ?

Better yet, he might be able to do something about that little VERTIGO problem of yours that's keeping you off the High Wire?....but STILL, in Show Business ?

love tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***SEPT 22nd (#6)

Morning Friend,

Today I'm broaching a critical subject - and appropriately so I suppose given that Monday is often "laundry day" for many of you - and that is, CLEAN UNDERWEAR !

There's something to be said for living a life of "preparedness", and starting one's day with a clean pair of "skivvies" is perhaps the greatest hedge against taking an ambulance ride to the hospital today that I know of.

Because according to some lawmaker named MURPHY, your odds of getting into a debilitating accident while wearing dirty underwear are considerably higher than in the safe confines of fresh clean ones.

Because this is a "musing" and not a "research paper" I can't tell you much about the origins of Murphy's Law, but I can say from experience that bad things DO and WILL happen in the course of one's day, but the inevitable consequences can be greatly minimized - and often avoided altogether - through the simple act of PREPARING.

EXPECTING the worst and HOPING for the best is not a "bad" idea, but from my perspective, not the "best" though, unless you are PREPARED for ANY eventuality....good or bad.

For example...

You EXPECT you might get a flat tire and HOPE not to. Being PREPARED with a good working spare can make getting a flat, a minor inconvenience as opposed to a day ruining event?

However, if you KNOW you have no spare you tend to drive with undo focus , swerving to avoid potholes and suspicious chunks of road debris. And while doing so you run a red light and get into an accident requiring an ambulance ride to the hospital where your personal hygienic and laundering profile is about to become public knowledge. ( a potential DOUBLE MURPHY WHAMMY depending on whether you'd plucked your 'fruit of the looms' that morning from the "clean drawer" or from under the bed ?)

Whether on the road to work, or on the "road to eternity", you can always differentiate between people who are PREPARED or not.

In my experiences caring for the terminally ill, you could ALWAYS tell when someone had lived such a Spiritually full and exemplary life, that death was merely an EXPECTED footnote in their earthly journey.

They did not rage at "potholes of doubt" or "debris of regret" along the road to God's reward. Their spare tire - like their peace of mind - was in perfect repair.....their "spiritual clean underwear drawer" was OVERFLOWING !

What I'd like to share about that experience is that it's one thing to expect to die and hope not to ....and another thing altogether to be PREPARED with a CLEAN CONSCIENCE.

Living a life unafraid of death is expecting, hoping and preparing for, and embracing... the BEST !

With guys like Murphy on the road, one never knows when an ambulance ride might be your last, and the condition of your underwear is the least of your worries.

Love, tImMy :/

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***SEPT 29th (#7)

Good Morning Friend,

"We feel sorry for people that don't drink, because when they get up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel for the rest of the day."

FRANK SINATRA

Many mystical and romantic tales have been spun around the "chaotically wondrous" and "adventurously daring" life of the "hard drinking/hard living rogue".

Today I'd like to share from personal experience that such stories are largely FICTITIOUS and from a literary standpoint, often SHORT.

We've all heard about or known someone with an exceptionally high tolerance for alcohol....an uncle or grandfather that "drank a quart a day, well into his 80's". An awesome "feat" to be sure but one with attendant dilemmas neither "mystical" or "romantic" by any means.

In the latter years of my own "roguish" lifestyle, ( my "quart a day" was more like 18 Blues), my exceptional THIRST was NOT matched by a similar tolerance.

To be sure, the physiological toll was devastatingly exponential, which is another way of saying I no longer drank to "feel good" but rather to "not feel lousy".

Old Blue Eyes was right on the money with his quote about one's state of mind in the morning in relation to lifestyle.

As a non-drinker I now wake up feeling much like I'm going to throughout the coming day....plain old, consistently reliable, stubborn and unwaveringly, FANTASTIC .

In those "golden swashbuckling days on the EDGE" , mornings were often an emotional roller-coaster ride: a hellish emergence from deathly comatose void, into throbbing bewilderment, to excruciating angst, to bitter resignation , to nauseous self-loathing, to angry regret, to vengeful righteousness, to dry heaves - two tylenlol - and a beer, and finally to dulled indifference followed closely by another beer and rekindled justification. ( with "My Way" blaring on the stereo of course ).

That is what I would have called a relatively "good" morning, given it was free of "complications" such as....

- I was at home, or at least recognized WHERE I was

- I was alone, or at least was not terror-stricken by WHO I was with

- I was uninjured, or at least not CRITICALLY so

- I had beer at hand, or at least HALF A WARM ONE

- I had not been incontinent, or at least woke up in "beginning to mid-stream"

Suffice it to say that I don't long for those "romantic" days of lonely despair, hopeless misery, ( and endless laundry ).

In rebuttal to Mr. Sinatra I have to say, " I feel sorry for the suffering alcoholic, because when they get up in the morning, that's as BAD as they're going to feel for the rest of the day". ( till tomorrow morning anyway ?)

I still like to start my day with "My Way" blaring on the stereo though.

We might differ in where our sympathies lie, but I appreciate how old Blue Eyes always came in on the UP-beat.

*( while this forum was never intended as an A.A. commercial, I would be remiss in not mentioning that A.A. , my family, and the Good Lord SAVED my LIFE! NO-ONE can change another person but, that person can find what they need for themselves, at an A.A. meeting....end of story.)

Love tImMy :/ *(1197)

“Laugh as much as you breathe
and love as long as you live."

***OCT. 6th (#8)

Morning Friend,

This morning I'd like to regale you with a "fishing story"....not to be confused with a "FISH story" - of which we've all had our LIMIT from "spawning" politicians lately ?

Thanks to an unseasonably warm October weekend - Aboriginal Summer? ( chalk THAT one up to innate "political correctness"), I was able to spend a few enjoyable hours fishing yesterday.

Living downtown as I do avails me of several nice "spots" along the Assiniboine River within walking distance of my door.

For fishermen, nature lovers, and poetic musers alike, the riverbanks in this city are wondrous places of refuge, reflection and introspection, not to mention a "gold mine" for scavengers who pick up daily after the nightly revelers.

With a little imagination, one is easily overtaken by the picturesque beauty of the foliage overhanging the lazily snaking - if somewhat less than "majestic"- river, and you could just as easily be at some "unspoiled remote wilderness getaway" hundreds of miles away, ( excepting for the drone of traffic over nearby bridges accented by the occasional wail of sirens ).

There is other evidence of "spoilage" but nothing unexpected in relation to today's urban waterway; an archeological wind-blown windfall of proof that THROWAWAY MAN, lived here, in the early 21st century.

I always take away a grocery bag of trash - that I've picked up with rubber gloves! - in an attempt to leave it at least "a little bit cleaner" than when I got there. ( As a professional courtesy I leave "returnables" for the scavengers who've obviously "slept in" that day but who WILL eventually purge the riverbank of its' wealth of dimes disguised as beer cans and bottles.)

The odiferous river water itself is "somewhat spoiled" - which I can similarly say about some food items upon opening my refrigerator ?

The water's oily surface is often broken by unrecognizable debris bobbing to the surface for a last look before succumbing to a waterlogged fate. Such debris is out of my "ecological" reach unless it fouls my line, in which case I can attempt to reel it in and "bag" it, ( or bid it a hasty "adieu" if it happens to be carrion in a particularly unsavory condition ).

The illusion of "remoteness" is also tenuous given the sporadic flow of cyclists and pedestrians along the nearby path, and passing boats, but seldom is contact initiated by anyone other than the usual "How's the fishing?" I often wonder if this is out of some unspoken "reverence" for a MAN FISHING, or whether out of some unspoken "common sense" not to bother a MAN ALONE ON THE RIVERBANK WITH A FILLETING KNIFE IN HIS HAND ?

You are likely concluding that I must catch lots of fish in order to assail ones senses so intensely in the course of ANGLING?

I can tell you THIS my friend: the riverbank is firm and "stony" so you're never "mucking about", the overhanging branches are like the Good Lord is holding a giant umbrella over your head if it rains, the breeze blows sweet as an Angel's sigh, the sun beams down like a feathery golden bath of butterfly wings, the majesty and serenity of this slice of God's Earthly Garden fills you with euphoric humility, and there is the safe contentment and peace of mind that brings you back to the day your mother first held you!

As to the number of caught fish ? Well, this was a story about "fish-ING". I can tell you FISH Stories another day, ( ALL day ! ).

(....I'm reminded of this one, BIIIGGG old......)

Love tImMy :/ HAVE A TERRIFIC WEEK!

***Oct.13th (#9)

Morning Friend,

I have to confess to being mildly perplexed, if not completely ignorant of the goings on in the Stock Market.

A "pork belly's future in a bear market" sounds to me frankly like an episode of "Wild Kingdom" ?

And the gyrational mayhem on the floor of the Stock Exchange has about as much personal relevance as that annual "nutbar airing" they hold in Pamplona. ( involving "bulls" as well I understand ? )

When the tenets of one's upbringing include "you don't get nuthin' for nothin' ", it's hard not to feel a kind of dark satisfaction when people who've been making a great deal of money, for actually DOING "nuthin" , are finally experiencing some form of comeuppance?

I hesitate to make "light" of what is being termed a "global financial crisis". Apparently this is "serious" stuff in which billionaires are losing millions, which I wouldn't give a whit about except for the fact that those losses are trickling down to some folks whose homes and life savings are in jeopardy, if not already lost.

"Financial Recession" and "Investments", I know nothing about save for the fact I "invested" all my money in BEER during the 80's and 90's and my finances have been in "recess" as a result ?

If there IS some serious "belt tightening" ahead, than I have my dearly departed and beloved Grandmother, Lydia Block - who "survived" the Great Depression - to thank for some SURVIVAL STRATEGIES that I surely don't mind sharing !

- Learn how to sew and knit, ( or marry someone who does ). My "Granny" could run off a pair of mitts or a scarf while watching her soap opera. The "market" for warm clothing NEVER fluctuates!

- Learn to cook and bake, ( or the "marrying thing" again). Granny always had a pot of "something" going on her stove; a soup bone, onions, potatoes, and that metal "thingy" with leaves and spices in it? Whether you be a Prince or a Pauper, there is NO MEAL like a bowl of lovingly made soup and HOMEMADE bread !

- Be charitable and versatile, ( you're on your own here ). When your pockets are empty, you can still be WEALTHY of spirit, dignity and reputation by SHARING....your skills, your knowledge, your time and energy, your talents, your SELF. "Payment", for every "care package" of food and clothing my Granny gave away, came in the form of grateful smiles, returned favors, "work in lieu of", and perhaps most importantly to her, the heartfelt fulfillment of doing "the Good Lord's work".

- Which leads me to the last strategy I'll convey to you today from that fine and delightfully jolly "Perogy Paragon", and that is to HAVE FAITH and keep it strong. The markets may fluctuate and your world may seem like a narrowing Spanish cobblestone alley with snorting bulls nipping at your heels, but NO-ONE can foreclose on your BLUE CHIP hopes and beliefs. I never understood the words ( in German), spoken on the Mennonite religious radio show Granny used to listen at night in her bed. The news must have been good because she sure SNORED contentedly afterward.

As much as I miss her, in a way I'm kind of glad she's not having to witness another "Depression" - if that's where we're heading? I know what she'd say about the Stock Market in general though, and it would be something like, "...if you want to INVEST in something worthwhile, invest in YOURSELF !" .

Happy Thanksgiving and the Good Lord's Blessings to you and yours! ( and by the way, did you know your dinner's "leftovers" this evening are actually all the makings of dandy TURKEY SOUP? )

love tImMy :/

***Oct.20th (#10)

Morning Friend,

You know, even as a drinker I was never quick to anger; a "Happy Drunk" you might say....one of those "easy going", laughing, even-tempered fellows....the kind of guy about whom people say "You DON'T WANT TO GET MAD ! "

Anger, has become a tremendous motivator in my life.

I'm not talking about some seething rage, deep-seeded malevolence, or weighty chip on my shoulder. ( I had my fair share of THAT kind of anger for breakfast every day when I was drinking).

And I'm not talking about the frustrated anger evoked by the sheer stupidity, outrageous injustices, and just plain WRONGNESS in today's world. ( THAT much anger is enough to drive you "MAD" - and unless you accept the fact you cannot change most of it, you just end up angrier !)

I am talking about the "self-directed" anger that helped pull my life off a drunken, ruinous path 40 months ago ( today!), and onto a better road ( also today!).

One auspicious morning, approximately 3 and 1/2 years ago - "cried out", "vomited out", "lucked out" and "down and out" - I got very Mad indeed.

Not at the World, or my boss, or my ex-girlfriend, or the guy who owed me ten bucks. I directed my anger where it belonged....at the pitiful wretch staring at me from the mirror.

THAT conniving ___hole had FINALLY pissed me right and properly, OFF! The time for compromises and justifications and halfway measures and second chances had run out. I was darned tired and DAMNED angry !

That anger fuels the RESOLVE which keeps me on the good road, today, because I'll be $%&#'d if I'm going back to that *!&#$ path again!!!!

I would DIE happy today ( with a 40 month "preview of Heaven" under my belt), than go back to that ( "endless re-run" of...) hell.

I know I can't undo the past other than make amends to those I've hurt, but I am nevertheless angered at the person I was - hurtful, selfish, deceitful, lazy, slovenly, greedy, licentious.....I think you get the picture?

And the anger is augmented with deep shame and anguish for the pain I caused so, so many good and trusting and loving people, who's only fault was that they cared for the person beneath the drunk, and hoped the "party" was just "temporary"?

Thank God.....the party's over....replaced by a "Celebration of Resolve" and a "Quest for Atonement and Forgiveness".

Let me assure you Good Friend, I am not lugging around this remorseful anger with me like some "yoke of attrition", but I am ever mindful that my new-found Joy MUST be tempered with humility, gratitude and VIGILENCE. ( When I think of "what might have been", I literally shudder.)

I have forgiven myself. And those to whom I haven't yet managed a personal apology, can see for themselves - or may well have heard - that I'm much like the old "easy going, laughing, even-tempered" fellow.....WITHOUT booze.

I HAVE NOT turned magically into some faultless Wonder Boy because I'm sober, and I KNOW I'm one drink away from a starring role in "Devil's Spawn II", but I've at least kicked that "Man in the Mirror"s ass so he's not likely to come around - today at least.

That...would make me REALLY angry. ( and you DON'T, want to do that).

Love tImMy :/